Fans Furious As Rays Refuse To Concede To Yankees

Posted on July 3, 2009
Filed Under Articles, Flashbacks, Staff | 6 Comments

Rays pitcher Joe Kennedy spitefully pitches to the best of his ability at the Trop on Thursday.
ST. PETERSBURG, Fla. — Fans and sports analysts were enraged Thursday as the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, with no reasonable chance of making the playoffs, stubbornly refused to concede to the New York Yankees at Tropicana Field.

After taking the field Thursday, it rapidly grew apparent that the Rays had no intention of conceding the game and in fact were demanding that the Yankees play all nine innings.

Sports commentators were shocked and disgusted.

“The Rays are pretty much out of the running. They have no real shot at the playoffs. When they’re faced against the Yankees, a team that’s actually looking at a possible playoff berth, why don’t the Rays do the right thing and concede?” said baseball sportscaster Dingus “Chick” Beaver during the game Thursday.

The Yankees are 58-36 for the season so far, having a slim lead over their fellow division members the Red Sox, who are 55-39. The Rays, meanwhile, are 32-61.

As the Rays would not concede the game Thursday, both New York fans and Rays fans in attendance began booing and throwing trash onto the field.

“Don’t we have a right to play the game?” asked Manager Lou Piniella during a news conference afterward, to the heckling and catcalls of reporters present.

“You know, this team could really take a lesson from Magic: The Gathering,” Beaver said after the game. “In Magic: The Gathering, the coverage of which you may have seen on ESPN, if a player is 9-0 in a Nationals and can afford to lose a few matches, and he gets paired against his friends, he does the right thing, you know, lays down, and gives them a few points by chucking in the towel.”

Beaver said that if baseball teams would adopt such behavior, it would make for a “better World Series” because the teams “that really deserve it” would get the free wins they have coming to them.

“I mean, sure, in any other sport we would call such behavior ‘grotesque collusion; immoral; a slap in the face to the very concepts of fair play and sportsmanship; a mockery of competition that apparently is merely alleged to be professional; unmanly; dirty; and downright fraudulent,’ but, um, they don’t call it that in Magic and so that’s what I’m saying,” Beaver said.

“And, you know, in Magic, a player who can’t win would do the same thing and concede if he got paired against a player who can,” he said.

“The Rays need to get with the program.”

Yankees Manager Joe Torre said he doesn’t believe Piniella realized the seriousness of his actions.

“He could have cost us a game! Does he understand that?” Torre said. “What if we didn’t make the playoffs because the Devil Rays refused to concede? Can you imagine? Another team would have a better record and make the playoffs!”

“What was he, just doing it out of spite?” Torre said.

Baseball has a long, fine tradition of teams conceding or otherwise losing on purpose, said baseball historian Tina Gaffney.

“Did you ever see ‘Eight Men Out’?” Gaffney said. “The ‘Black Sox’? Now that was the age of gentlemen.”

- July 18, 2003

Card Of The Week - Flying Men

Posted on June 29, 2009
Filed Under Card of the Week | 2 Comments

This week’s card is Flying Men. While many creatures got “profession” creature types in the great update, Flying Men remain unemployed.

Seattle Tournament Report

Posted on June 28, 2009
Filed Under Articles, Energizer, Flashbacks | 3 Comments

So at this game store in Seattle they sometimes run non-sanctioned tournaments, so that people who work at Wizards of the Coast can play in them. I played in one a while back and kept notes for writing up a tournament report. My plan was to do well, and then write up a report about how well I did. I didn’t do so well, but I figured, why should it always be the winners that write the reports? It can be cool reading about a loser too. So anyway here’s my report.

Since the tournament wasn’t sanctioned, they ran some wacky format. I don’t really remember what it was. I don’t have my decklist either. It wasn’t a great deck so who cares anyway. I did keep notes on all the matches. Here goes.

Round 1: Juan

Juan doesn’t speak English well, so I never really get to know him.

Game 1: He busts out a first turn Mana Clash, which does 2 to him. Then he plays Orcish Captain and Mijae Djinn. I get out some guys, and he whiffs on Puppet’s Verdict and two tries of Crooked Scales, so I run him over.

Game 2: I had tested this match-up, and found it to be about 50-50, but really he never had a chance. He dies to damage from his own Mana Crypt and a Bottle of Suleiman that blew up on him.

1-0

Round 2: Alex

Alex is a local; we play all the time.

Game 1: He casts Visions and makes me shuffle. Then he sits for a while playing lands. He gets out Onslaught, but never uses it. I play a creature, but he puts Torment on it. Eventually I get out a couple more creatures, and he plays Apocalypse, leaving nothing in play. I’m thinking it looks bad for me, but I end up running him out of cards — he’d drawn an extra card from casting Prophecy.

Game 2: I get in some early beats with a Windseeker Centaur, and then trade it for his Zodiac Rooster. He plays some fliers, which I clear out with a blue Hurricane, and I drop a hairy Runesword. He plays a Shichifukujin Dragon, which is looking scary, but I luck out and hit “dragons” with my Aswan Jaguar. He plays a Homarid Leper to block with, and backs it up with Painful Hedgehog. We stare at each other for a few turns, until he plays the Mishra Vanguard card, which looks like game. But again I luck out, topdecking a Legends rules card for the win.

2-0

Round 3: Mark Rosewater

Finally, I get to play an R&D guy. Mark is really friendly and chatty. He tells me all these stories while we’re playing. Stuff like, “In playtest we called this Fat Elf,” or “My father designed this card.” Plus he plays quickly. A class act all the way.

Game 1: The game quickly gets really complicated. Then one turn he draws his card, and smiles like he’s figured something out. He even shows me the card — it’s a Telethopter. He beats me that turn, with the Telethopter playing a crucial role, even though I have out 3 blockers and an Ensnaring Bridge, and am at 29 life, and all he has is Xenic Poltergeist, Tawnos’s Coffin, Sorceress Queen, Dwarven Thaumaturgist, Serrated Arrows, Thran Forge, Puppet Strings, and Chandler.

Game 2: I’m manascrewed. Mark Donates Conspiracy to me, naming Walls. He plays a Ghazban Ogre which I get due to some pain land damage he’s taken, and he triple Creature Bonds it. He attacks me with Llanowar Elves and uses False Orders to make me block it with the Ghazban Ogre. He casts Righteousness on the Ogre, and plays Tunnel for the win.

2-1

Round 4: Sam

A stranger. He seems friendly enough, until I ask for some of his Pringles. I resolve to totally rules-lawyer him, but his play is flawless.

Game 1: I get out a quick Wall of Wood, but he starts flying over with Whippoorwill. Then I get Maze of Ith, which stops it cold, but he plays a Serra Angel, which I can’t do anything about. I’m forced to Wrath, leaving nothing in play but my Black Knight. He Terrors the Knight (using Sleight of Mind to make it “non-white”) and then Armageddons. We rebuild. Finally the crucial turn comes when he attacks with Evil Eye of Orms-by-Gore, Akron Legionnaire, and Carnivorous Plant. I block the Evil Eye with Ball Lightning, chump the Legionnaire with a Peacekeeper, and double-block the Carnivorous Plant with two Ascendant Evincars. He has no further plays, and on my turn I attack back with the guy on Adarkar Wastes, and have Giant Growth and Berserk for the win.

Game 2: We both have creature-light draws, and it’s several turns before anything happens. Finally he gets out two Howling Mines and two Chains of Mephistopheles, and soon it’s pretty obvious that we’re going to run out of time before either of us figures out what’s supposed to happen. So I call a judge. The judge tries to explain it to us, and it just isn’t getting through. Another judge comes over, but he doesn’t explain anything, he just watches the first judge, all squinty-eyed. Finally the second judge calls the head judge over, and the head judge gives the first judge a warning for stalling. The first judge tries to explain things faster, but it’s no use, neither of us can understand him. Finally the head judge DQ’s him. Then the judges all walk away. I try to call another judge, but they know better, and pretend they can’t see me. We run out of time.

Sam really wants the win, and offers me $10 to concede. I demand $20 not to report him, and he demands $50 not to report me. I concede and still end up $20 down on the whole deal.

2-2

Round 5: Chip

A pro. He wins all the local tournaments, and will probably win this one. He presents his deck, and I cut my thumb on the metal sleeves while trying to shuffle it. Not a good sign.

Game 1: He plays some walls and some face down cards. I figure he’s got some kind of wall / morph theme. Then I realize it’s a Netrunner deck. I have no way to stop him from scoring agendas, and he wins quickly.

Game 2: See game 1.

2-3

So I have some time, so I go over to where Richard Garfield is playing, and watch his game. There’s a creature stall and not much is happening. Then Richard casts Splendid Genesis, and says I have to join the game. WTF? I read the card and sit down. He deals me out a deck and I start trying to figure it out. The deck is pretty defensive, and doesn’t give me a lot of options. I do what I can. Meanwhile Richard keeps using Glasses of Urza on me every turn when I draw my card. Finally the moment he’s been waiting for comes. I draw some weird card and reveal my hand, and he immediately plays Word of Command and makes me cast it. It’s Proposal. At first I think he’s going to make me propose to him, which just isn’t going to happen. I’m not ready for that kind of commitment, and anyway he’s already married. But then I read it closer — it says “Richard” and “Lily” right on it. And sure enough, his wife is standing there watching, and he turns to her and proposes. I guess it’s some kind of renewing of vows deal. She accepts of course, and, well, the game is bogging down. I start complaining, and then the other guy tells me that this is all happening inside a Shahrazad subgame. Since I’m not even playing in the main game, I can’t possibly win or lose. So I leave.

Round 6: Gene

This guy is a real wacko. He pile-shuffles into 4 piles, and I try to explain to him that that’s a bad number of piles for pile-shuffling. Man does he jump down my throat.

Game 1: Gene mulligans down to 4 cards but still comes out strong. He Lightning Blasts my only guy, and beats me up with Icatian Town tokens and a Two-headed Giant of Foriys.

Game 2: He takes a while shuffling, and I idly ask what time it is. He has on 4 wristwatches, so I’m thinking, what. But man is that the wrong question to ask. He starts yelling about the four corners of the earth and how I’m educated stupid four ways from Thursday. I’m so rattled I don’t write down what happens in the rest of the match. All my notes say is that Gene simultaneously won, lost, drew, and was DQ’d.

2-3-?

Round 7: Joe

Wouldn’t you know it, the friend I came with. Joe and I go way back. We grew up together. We went to the same school; we had a crush on the same girl. We served in Iraq together. He even saved my life once.

Joe wants to draw. He only needs 1 point and he’s in the top 8. He was paired way down; I’m utterly out of contention at this point. But I came to play.

Game 1: I get the first turn Black Lotus / Channel / Fireball.

Game 2: Joe’s manascrewed and only manages to get out an Ornithopter. I Strip Mine his only land, and then do all 20 damage to him with a single Warp Artifact.

3-3-?

Joe and I stayed to watch the finals. It came down to Chip and Mark Rosewater, and Mark actually beat the Netrunner deck. I don’t remember how exactly, but I know it involved Pox and Invisibility.

So there you have it. I didn’t do so well, but it wasn’t sanctioned, so whatever. I wouldn’t play that deck again. Next tournament I go to, I’m gonna net-deck, like the pros; I’m trying to get Chip to trade me some of the cards.

- June 12, 2005

Photochop - Porkulus

Posted on June 26, 2009
Filed Under Photochops, Staff | 3 Comments

The Pendulum Is About To Swing

Posted on June 25, 2009
Filed Under Articles, V. Wedge | 1 Comment

By Mark Rosewater

Special to The Magic Lampoon

You’ve probably heard by now how we’re simplifying the templating in Magic 2010. Well you know how WotC works — as soon as we do one thing, we spend the next block doing the opposite. And guess what, Magic players: the pendulum is about to swing!

In the Zendikar block, right after Magic 2010 comes out, we are going to use the most contrived and counterintuitive circumlocutions we can think of. Just have a look at Zendikar’s Shock reprint:

Shock
R
Instant
You, to a creature, may deal damage, of an amount equal to two, or, in that choice’s stead, may the like deal, to a player, it.

And here’s the Royal Assassin reprint:

Royal Assassin
1BB
Creature - Human Assassin
Should there be such a time in which a creature finds itself prostrate ‘cross the battlefield, rather than that most upright position into which he formerly appeared, a creature other than this one, a creature which does not, to spite this ability, abandon its state of prostration, a creature by whom shroud is not an ability possessed, nor with whom such a case should exist in which a relevant protection ability should be the cause of the preclusion of this very ability you have now been spending several minutes parsing, then the likewise horizontal alignment of this creature may, should it not be sick with summoning still, i.e. at the time of this selfsame ability’s consideration, be the cause of that creature in question to be destroyed.
1/1

I know what you’re all thinking: “How come you guys are so smart?” and “What about the planeswalkers?” (Interestingly, those are what I imagine our most commonly received questions to be no matter what topic I’m discussing.) Well, the answers are “because we’re not just smart we’re geniuses, especially me” and “from now on they will be printed on 8×10 glossies to make room for all of their text, and if you want to fit them into a regular card sleeve you will have to fold them a couple of times.”

Changing topics, I don’t usually spoil gimmicks this far in advance, but you are also probably wondering what we’re going to do with the second and third sets of the Zendikar block to distinguish them from the first. The answer is that, in the second set, instead of circumlocutions, we’ll be using Shakespearean templating:

Giant Growth
G
Instant
‘Sblood, target creature’s reformation, glitt’ring o’er its fault, / Shall show more goodly and attract more eyes, / Than that which hath no foil to set it off. / It shall so offend to make offense a skill, / Redeeming +3/+3 when men least think it will.

And in the third set, we’ll be going all the way back to Middle English:

Ophidian
2U
Creature - Snake
Syððan wæs geworden þæt he ferde þurh þa ceastre and þæt castel: godes rice prediciende and bodiende. and hi twelfe mid. And sume wif þe wæron gehælede of awyrgdum gastum: and untrumnessum.
1/3

Join me next week, when I use some analogies to describe things.

Mark Rosewater is employed by Wizards of the Coast.

Photochop - The Battlefield

Posted on June 25, 2009
Filed Under Photochops, V. Wedge | Leave a Comment

Card Of The Week - Terminate

Posted on June 25, 2009
Filed Under Card of the Week | 2 Comments

This week’s card is Terminate. Terminate is good because it destroys a target creature and that creature can’t be regenerated. That’s why Terminate is a good card.

Photochop - Rock Egg

Posted on June 21, 2009
Filed Under Photochops, Staff | 1 Comment

Player Unlocks Superpowered Demon’s Horn Card In New Duels Of The Planeswalkers Game

Posted on June 21, 2009
Filed Under Articles, Staff | 4 Comments

PHILADELPHIA - Local Magic: the Gathering player Marvin Lursen announced Sunday that after hours of playing, he had unlocked the superpowered card Demon’s Horn in his new Duels of the Planeswalkers game on his Xbox 360.

Now that the notoriously powerful, hidden bonus card is unlocked, Lursen will be able to put the card into his black deck, he said.

“Game over,” Lursen said. “Demon’s Horn.”

Lursen said that unlocking the hidden bonus card required hours of exhausting gameplay.

“You can’t even imagine what I had to go through to unlock this card,” Lursen said. “At first, you don’t even start with the black deck available. You have to defeat a whole bunch of computer opponents to earn it. And then once you earn it, you have to select the black deck; win your first game, which gives you a Soot Imp; and then you have to win a second game. And then you get the Demon’s Horn!” he said.

“I wonder what other superpowered artifacts lie locked away in this game,” Lursen said.

Demon’s Horn has a reputation in multiplayer games, Lursen said.

“Usually if somebody in multiplayer plays a Demon’s Horn, we all just immediately attack that person, because he’s going to win,” Lursen said.