Surrounded By Humans
Posted on January 18, 2009
Filed Under Articles, Games, Not a Joke, Staff | 2 Comments
A Battlestar Galactica board game session report
For this game of Battlestar Galactica, we have five players.
Little Man chooses to play Baltar. This seems to be his favorite character or something.
Mike chooses Adama. Therefore he is the admiral.
I decide that it would be fun to play Starbuck, since I haven’t played a pilot yet.
Jose picks Boomer, which up until this point he always does.
Jesus picks Tyrol.
That means that Baltar is president, since no one picked Roslin.
We deal out the loyalty cards. We’re playing with both characters who are more likely to be cylons. Everyone takes a look at his loyalty card.
I am a cylon. Won’t this be fun! Starbuck the cylon.
We begin playing. I have no real plan at this point. I decide that at first, I will just help with everything until I see what starts to go south. I dutifully jump into a Viper and go out to destroy raiders. I play maximum firepower and destroy four in one attack. Look how great I am at killing cylons! I am quite the hero. Go me.
Crisis cards come up, and I either help out or abstain. When I help, it’s amazing. Look, we pass every crisis skill check! And we got rid of those pesky cylons. I guess no one’s a cylon yet! Everyone is pleased. It’s wonderful when there’s no cylon among the humans yet, isn’t it? How lucky we are.
Well, when we get to a turn of Jesus’, he gets a crisis card that allows the current player to throw someone in the brig after the skill check. Everyone expects that he will simply not do so. But he does! He picks Mike, and says that Mike has to go to the brig! I say, are you joking, or are you for real. He laughs and says, yes, to the brig.
What the hell are you doing that for, Mike says. Because he’s a cylon, of course, I say. You can’t blame cylons for throwing the admiral in the brig.
But here’s the thing. Mike says, you know, I bet Jesus isn’t even a cylon. He’s never played before. I think he’s just throwing me in the brig for fun. Jesus, if you’re just throwing me in the brig for fun, I can’t believe that, man. But Jesus just laughs.
Do you know what happens in this situation? Adama goes to the brig. Given the characters we’re using, that means that I become admiral.
Oh, well, people say. At least the admiral is him, and he’s obviously not a cylon.
At this point, I believe Mike was correct and that Jesus threw him in the brig just to be hilarious. It will turn out that this is true. I am the only cylon. And I am admiral.
Baltar makes a little noise about what if I am a cylon. That’s a good one, I say — Baltar says what if someone else is a cylon. Funny stuff. You’re the one who got two cards at the beginning of the game instead of one. But no one takes this seriously — there is no cylon, and we’re all in good hands. No one has ever tried to sabotage a skill check. There is no cylon!
It’s time to jump! I get to look at the two jump cards. Man, these are terrible, I say. Oh, well, I’ll just pick this one. I put down a card with 2 distance and 2 fuel loss. No one pays much attention. Oh, yes, this is how I will kill you. I will kill you with your own jumps. You will lose fuel, and your precious Earth will come too late. You will die without power in the icy cold of space. Don’t worry — I will lead you. I will be with you.
More crises come and go. Eventually, we draw one that says that the admiral may make himself president.
Well, I know I’m not a cylon, I say, and who knows about Baltar? The presidency is certainly safer in my hands than in his. At least, from my perspective of knowing I’m not a cylon. This is what I tell them.
They believe it.
And I am president.
President Admiral Cylon.
Little Man is displeased at losing the presidency. He doesn’t put up much of a fight, though — I actually wonder for a moment if he isn’t another cylon. But he isn’t. He says aloud that the quorum cards he had sucked anyway. Good. Let everyone forget about them.
I continue my gambit. I help with absolutely everything. Oh, except one little thing — when it comes time to jump again, I once again say that both of the jump cards suck. I choose one that gives us 3 distance but costs us 3 fuel. The fuel is looking a little thin!
And still no one questions this. They’re not that interested my process of choosing the jump cards. They’re more anticipating the new loyalty cards.
The loyalty cards are dealt out. Boomer goes to the brig. One of them must be another cylon now! Surely now I am not alone.
A few turns go by. Everything is in pretty good shape. No cylons flying around, no damage — oh, but another crisis that does something to fuel. The fuel is actually at 2!
Excellent. With the next jump, Galactica, I kill you. I kill you all.
Suddenly, Little Man announces that he is a cylon! Why does he do this? Is he afraid that everything is going too well for Galactica? Does he not see that Galactica’s doom is written in the stars? I’m not sure. But he announces now that he is a cylon.
His loyalty card allows him to choose someone to go to the brig. He chooses me! I am so very heroic, and amazing, the amazing President Admiral Starbuck, slayer of raiders, that he fears me tremendously. Under my leadership, everything in Galactica is going swimmingly. There’s a centurion aboard, but don’t worry, we’ll kill it. I’m even helping to try to do this. Everything is in great shape.
Oh, except fuel.
I think for just a split second. I can go along with the gambit. I can say, oh well, how like a cylon to throw the admiral in the brig. That’s the way it goes. I guess as a human, that’s what I get!
But — Boomer is in the brig. If Little Man throws Mike in the brig, then it will be Mike’s turn next, and he’ll never get out of the brig. Not with me keeping him in. No sir. And then I throw Tyrol in the brig, and all the humans are in the brig! It would be glorious! All the humans in the brig, and Galactica on a collision course with a black hole, me cackling madly at the helm! The most fiendish cylon master plan ever conceived!
Furthermore, if he does throw me in the brig, then Mike becomes admiral again, and who will steer us on a course into hell? Not him. He’ll pick a jump card that actually conserves fuel. He’ll save us.
I can’t let this happen. It’s too great if he brigs Mike, and too much of a missed opportunity if he brigs me. I have to go for it.
He says, I’m going to throw you in the brig, and so I say, don’t! I AM THE OTHER CYLON!
He doesn’t believe me! For a moment, maybe the others don’t, either. For a moment, it’s me as a human just trying to mess with Little Man.
He doesn’t believe me. I am the other cylon! Don’t you see? I have been gutting fuel with every jump! Look at the beauty of my master plan. The very action that takes Galactica to Earth and wins it the game has been killing it all along!
I can tell, Mike now knows that it’s true. He looks at the distance cards and it’s like, oh my god. He has been. He has been a cylon from the get-go.
But Little Man, stubborn in his youth, contrary in his boyhood, doesn’t believe me! He’s so afraid that I might be a human tricking him, so afraid of looking bad if he believes me when I’m lying, that he does not recognize the voice of his cylon brother. I go in the brig.
Well, it’s Mike’s turn, and he is admiral, and he laughs, and says, that was unreal. Little Man, I can’t believe you didn’t believe Starbuck. It’s so obvious now that he’s the other cylon.
Now, Little Man sees it. Why didn’t I believe you, he says.
On my turn, in the brig, I reveal myself. My loyalty card sucked anyway. I appear on the resurrection ship. I give the quorum cards to Adama, who is now president.
Remember how Little Man had complained earlier that the quorum cards were useless? Mike does not really read them when he receives them. Excellent.
Jose tries to get out of the brig still, and then not much happens on Tyrol’s turn. The centurion advances! They don’t kill the centurion. It’s only two steps away …
On Little Man’s cylon turn, I tell him to activate the centurion. Mike will have to try to kill it, I say, and he will not roll high enough, and we will win the game on my turn. I say this out loud. The centurion moves ever closer. One step away!
It’s Mike’s turn.
He uses his turn to go to the armory to try to kill the centurion, dutifully rolling the die as I told him he would have to do. He misses!
On my turn, I activate the centurion.
Galactica, hope of the last humans, is destroyed!
Oh, wait, Little Man says. Mike, I think one of those quorum cards actually kills a centurion!
WHAT? Mike tears through the quorum cards. One does! I DIDN’T KNOW THAT!
I did, I say.
The stars laugh at the dying humans.
———-
Epilogue: It was not quite the perfect masterstroke. Almost, but not quite. If my cylon brother had believed me. Or if he had kept quiet and remained unrevealed. If then, the humans would have died at the bewildering turn of a jump card, sealing their doom. They would have believed they were alive until the very last second, and only then known that they were dead. Also, the humans helped me by giving me the admiralty in a moment of not really trying to win. Even so. I fooled them from the very beginning. They put all their trust in my hands, willingly. And ultimately, I did kill them.
What more can one of the 12 cylon models want, then the trust of a human?
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Man, I really need to play this game.
any time mike is one of the leaders i will always try to put him in the brig no matter what. he will never be save of the brig jajajajajajajajaja
i love toast so i like toasters