Bullying Of Rosewater Worsens After Rosewater Opens Up About Bullying

Posted on February 18, 2009
Filed Under Articles, V. Wedge | 4 Comments

RENTON, Wash. — Authorities were concerned after Mark Rosewater of Wizards of the Coast was found Monday curled into a ball next to an office water cooler, shaking, clutching to his bosom a copy of “A Whack on the Side of the Head,” stained by Rosewater’s own tears and mucus.

Child protection agents told The Magic Lampoon that the first words Rosewater uttered when they arrived were, “Buehler did this to me.”

The scene marked the latest in a series of targeted bullying attacks on Mark Rosewater by his coworkers. According to Rosewater, the attacks have escalated ever since he published an article Monday morning, in which he revealed many of his innermost fears about his childhood.

“I thought the guys [at work] would finally like me if I told them my secrets,” Rosewater wrote on his Facebook diary. “But they were just bigger jerks than evr [sic] since then. I wrote about how much I hate being hit, and all they do now is punch me in the arm and call me a wimp,” he said.

Content Manager Aaron Forsythe confirmed Rosewater’s claim.

“Yes,” Forsythe told reporters. “Rosewater is totally a wimp.”

When asked for elaboration, Forsythe said, “An emo loser fairy wimp who likes to whine on his blog about how big a wimp he is.”

“Stop hitting me,” Rules Manager Mark Gottlieb told reporters while mimicking Mark Rosewater’s voice. “I’m still weak from when I had scarlet fever as a kid.”

At a news conference, Rosewater read aloud from his prepared remarks about “the most horrific” of the recent bullying episodes.

“After Richard [Garfield] saw in my article about how much I hate bananas, he grabbed one from the staff kitchen, peeled it, and shoved it in my face. ‘Rosewater loves bananas,’ he announced to the room, ‘Rosewater loves bananas.’ When I tried to tell him that I didn’t, he said he couldn’t hear me with the banana in my mouth,” Rosewater said.

Garfield, sought by authorities, was last seen at the beach asking Lora Rosewater why she didn’t “ditch that loser” and “get with a real man.”

Comments

4 Responses to “Bullying Of Rosewater Worsens After Rosewater Opens Up About Bullying”

  1. Sarah Palin on February 18th, 2009 5:10 pm

    He wrote for Roseanne, you know.

  2. The Previous Poster on February 19th, 2009 5:19 am

    You’re on a roll, mr. Wedge :D

  3. vandwedge on February 19th, 2009 5:44 pm

    i can only hope that mr. rosewater keeps writing goofy bullshit, because that seems to be my best inspiration

  4. Koda on November 7th, 2011 11:23 pm

    What article did he write that stuff in?

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