Top 10 Mistakes Wizards Made (And Fixed) In Magic: The Gathering

It’s hard to make a game perfect the first time. Board games have errata. Video games have patches. Sometimes, fighting games have ban lists!
Wizards made some mistakes with Magic over the years, but Wizards also fixed mistakes. Here are our 10 favorite mistakes that Wizards made but fixed.

10. Type 1.5
We’re sure most readers know that [...]

I’m Not Going Out There

By a Soldier card in your hand
Special to The Magic Lampoon
I’m not going out there.
Uh-uh, man, no way.
You go out there.
Did you see what happened to Jenkins, man? A fucking dragon tore his fucking head off, man!
One minute, Jenkins was fucking standing there, man, and then the next minute — he was just fucking meat, [...]

Top 10 Squires Of All Time

You might think that Squire is the only Squire. But you would be wrong. Magic has had a long, fine history of Squires, those beneficial little 1/2 creatures, doing their part to help out their controllers on or near the battlefield.
Let’s take a look at the best 10 Squires in Magic.

No. 10: Psychatog
Psychatog might seem [...]

Avacyn Returns, Brings Dice

GAVONY — Legendary protector angel Avacyn returned to Gavony late Thursday evening from the Helvault, bringing with her what she described as “enough dice to end this conflict once and for all.”
Avacyn, who had been missing from Innistrad for some time, had remained within the Helvault battling the demon Griselbrand and gathering dice for her [...]

Eldrazi Spawn: You Blew It Up, Damn You

ZENDIKAR – An Eldrazi spawn that had found itself on a nightmare world where humans could talk discovered Sunday the horrible truth that it had actually been on Zendikar the whole time, it told reporters.
The spawn said it learned the terrible secret when, after having escaped from a village of talking humans earlier this week, [...]

Before We Begin Our Climactic Battle To The Death, I Respectfully Request Permission To Touch You

By Garruk, the Veil-Cursed
I’ve finally caught up with you, Liliana.
You cursed me with the Chain Veil.
And I swear, you will revoke it; or you will fall.
But before we being our climactic duel to the death, I respectfully request permission to touch you.
Rest assured, I’m about to destroy you.
However, I recognize that you are an empowered [...]

How Do You Solve A Problem Like Elesha?

She decorates trees with wholesome glee
She always cleans her lair
She disrespects the great high priest
While on the tombstone stair
And underneath her helmet
She has flowers in her hair
I even caught her playing with white mana
She’s always late for unicorn feast
But her compleation tasks are real
She’s always late for everything
And she often refuses to kneel
I hate to [...]

Please, Father, My Dire Wolf Is Only 2/2

By Sansa Stark
Please, Father, don’t let them do anything to Lady, Lady is good and Lady didn’t do anything wrong. Lady is a good dire wolf, Father, and Lady would never do anything to hurt anyone, and Lady would never bite anyone, not like Arya’s stupid dire wolf that’s mean and bites people, Lady would [...]

Magic: The Gathering Timeline

Some players are too busy playing to realize it, but the events of Magic: The Gathering tell a story. These events form a timeline, comprising everything that took place in the Magic novels, and on the cards, from Dominaria to Rath to Mirrodin and beyond.
In celebration of the upcoming set Future Sight, let’s take a [...]

Point-Counterpoint

Behold My Wondrous Castle
Fizznab The Wizard
1 Castle
4 Crenellated Wall
4 Alabaster Wall
4 Shifting Wall
4 Steel Wall
4 Crude Rampart
4 Overgrown Battlement
4 Illusionary Wall
4 Ivory Tower
1 Assembly Hall
1 Portcullis
1 Moat
4 Seaside Citadel
4 Coastal Tower
4 Forbidding Watchtower
4 Wooded Bastion
4 Hallowed Fountain
4 Tranquil Garden

Behold My Traveling Party That I Have Sent To Visit Your Wondrous Castle
Dilfens The Mage
4 Battering Ram
4 [...]

Popular Nicknames For Magic Cards

Superman
Tim
Finkel
Sex Monkeys
Bondage Faerie
Dr. Teeth
Mr. Wiggles
Cradle Tard
Pedophile Fagship
Craptain of the Weatherlight
Awesomeshroud
Sivitri Scarzam’s Dragon’s Whore
The Penis Mightier
Lady Jugsaplenty
Krakilin Oat Bran
Can’t Tell What’s Going On In This Art
Whaletigerfoxbear
Nipplestorm
Incestuous Chosen
Assernacle at Pendrell Butts
- April 30, 2009

Frat Boys Put Crap On Ayesha’s Face While She’s Asleep

PHILADELPHIA — Those frat boys who are always yelling “Whoo” and stuff announced in a news conference that they put a bunch of crap on Ayesha’s face when she fell asleep at a party at their frat late Monday night.
The leader of the frat boys, a kid who always wears a baseball cap named Curt [...]

Dream Chisel

I’ve just played a morph again
Climbed aboard the Dream Chisel train
Echo Tracer bounce away my enemy of today
And leave a 2/2 behind
Ooh Dream Chisel
Helping me play all my morphs out on the field
Ooh Dream Chisel
I believe you do wish that they were revealed
Flipping things down with Weaver of Lies
Maybe use Willbender again
Quanar copies the spells [...]

Magical Elephant Is My Co-Pilot

DAYTON, Ohio — A local man is talking to everyone here with his simple, short religious message of peace.
Isaac Tamkin, 68, of Dayton, wants you to know that Magical Elephant is his co-pilot.
“Wherever I go, Magical Elephant is on board,” Tamkin told The Magic Lampoon on Tuesday.
“Although this vehicle does brake for rapture, Magical [...]

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