Future Sight was one of our favorite small sets. The premise is terrific — cards from the future! The set included 81 cards with a special “from the future” card frame. The idea was that these cards were from the future, just as Time Spiral had had cards in an old frame from the past, and Planar Chaos had had cards in a special frame “from alternate presents.”

Since Time Spiral block was all about time running amok, the future had intruded on the past, allowing us a glimpse into what will become.

Or rather, what might become. Wizards of the Coast said at the time that the cards from the future might be from actual futures, and might be from futures that do not come to pass.

Well, let’s be serious for a second. If you print cards and say they’re from the future, but then you say that they’re from futures that won’t happen, what fun is that? That’s not very fun. It’s a lot more fun when the cards from Future Sight actually were from the future, isn’t it?

That means reprinting them.

There were 81 “futureshifted” cards. For every one genuinely reprinted as though it were a new card, Wizards gets a point on our Future Sight Scorecard. The higher the score, the cooler Future Sight was, looking back on it. It has to be reprinted as though it were a new card, because in order to have been from the future, it has to be “from” the later set. Is that a time paradox? Wrap your head around that one for a second.

Now, Wizards will never get a perfect score of 81, because Steamflogger Boss lol. But that’s OK. Let’s just see how things are going so far.

Cards worth points

Mistmeadow Skulk — This is a great job. Well done. This card came from the very near future — the very next block. Well, the half-block after the very next half-block — Shadowmoor. Since sets are decided in advance, it’s clear that this card was a bona fide look into an already decided future. So that’s terrific.

Bloodshot Trainee — whoa, we’re into red already? That’s not good. Anyway. This one was reprinted in Scars of Mirrodin. It doesn’t seem to have a ton to do with that block, but nice job anyway.

Boldwyr Intimidator — A fantastic reprint. It’s from Morningtide, a set about Warriors! You can’t do much better than that. Great job, kudos all around.

Phosphorescent Feast — From Eventide. It’s too bad the Future Sight version doesn’t have the Chroma keyword, but credit where credit is due. It was from the future.

Graven Cairn — Not only was this printed in Shadowmoor, but the whole cycle made it into the block! Great job. The Future Sight version talks about a future land of Kar-Sengir — no doubt a ferocious land of vampires. Wait, they just did a vampire block. Oh, no, that means Kar-Sengir will probably never materialize. That’s OK. This card was from the future anyway. Maybe it got twisted in time along the way.

Zoetic Cavern — This is from — Commander? Is that a real set? Well, it’s a set with new cards, so, we say that counts. Note that it barely counts, because what does Commander have to do with morph? Apparently, Zoetic Cavern is from a terrifying future world where brave, ignorant commanders who are incapable of understanding spells outside their own colors do battle. That’s worth a point.

Special bonus points

Tarmogoyf — This card has never been reprinted. But you know what? The Future Sight printing of the card mentions planeswalkers, which didn’t exist as cards yet. That’s so great that we’re willing to give a point. Clearly, this card came from the future, even if we don’t know what set.

Ghostfire — This card also has not actually been reprinted. But it talks about the Eye of Ugin, which later turned out to be in Zendikar; and as a colorless instant, it hints at Rise of the Eldrazi! We’re going to give this one a point for being from Emrakul’s favorite future.

Goldmeadow Lookout — A reader pointed out this one, as you’ll see if you read the comments! It makes Goldmeadow Harrier tokens, which are from the future, Lorwyn. That should count, too. Excellent job.

Cards reprinted but not worth any points

Sarcomite Myr — reprinted in Planechase. Planechase was all reprints, at least so far. That does not count, because it doesn’t reveal what “future set” Sarcomite Myr was “from.”

Spin into Myth — reprinted in Archenemy. Same thing.

Frenzy Sliver, Homing Sliver, Virulent Sliver — reprinted in the premium Sliver deck. That’s not even a set. That’s like, “a card from an unimaginable future where we reprint it.” That definitely doesn’t count.

Mass of Ghouls — reprinted in 10th Edition. The whole point of this card being futureshifted was that it was in a textless frame. We love that, honestly. We’d reprint Watchwolf in a textless frame in two seconds. The reprint in 10th Edition is in a normal frame. Was Mass of Ghouls from a nightmare future where vanilla creatures appear in normal card frames? We don’t think so. Doesn’t count.

Edge of Autumn — reprinted in a duel deck. This is basically the same issue as reprinting it in a premium deck. No point.

Final score — 9/81

Frankly, if we were in charge, it would be required to reprint at least one futureshifted card per year.

We’ll check back in a year to see if the score has changed.

RENTON, Wash. — Wizards of the Coast announced Friday that it has realized that any color of Magic can be justified as being able to do anything.

“Direct damage, for example, can be red because of fire or lightning,” said Matt Cavotta, writing for Wizards of the Coast. “Direct damage can also be black, representing vampiric consumption,” he said.

“However, direct damage could be white, which represents arrows or catapult shots,” Cavotta said. “It could also be blue, representing psionic attack,” he told reporters Friday.

“Finally, direct damage can also be green, representing wind and bees. Bees, raining down from the sky and stinging everyone,” he said.

“That’s right. It’s raining bees,” he said.

Wizards of the Coast offered a breakdown of how, in the future, every color will be able to do anything.

Counterspells

Counterspells can be blue, because blue has the ability to control magic.

Counterspells can also be white, because white tries to assert rules and make other people conform.

Counterspells can also be green, because green believes that nothing should disturb the natural order.

Counterspells could be black, because black is the keeper of ancient knowledge. Also, black will do anything to win.

Finally, counterspells could be red, because you don’t tell red what to do. Red doesn’t play by your stupid rules, man. Red does whatever the fuck it wants. Fuck you.

Land Destruction

Land destruction can be red, because red represents the earth and primal forces such as earthquakes.

Land destruction can be green, because green represents the earth and primal forces such as gophers digging up everything in sight.

Land destruction can be black, because black loves to destroy. Also, black will do anything to win.

Land destruction can be white, because white is the color of taxing the living crap out of you.

Finally, land destruction can be blue, because lands make mana, and blue is the color of doing something to your mana until everything sucks and you don’t have any mana and blue has all the mana.

Discard

Discard can be black, because black attacks the mind and rends your very soul. Black will do anything to win.

Discard can be blue, because blue attacks your mind and blue takes the cards in your mind and makes you discard them.

Discard can be white, because white makes rules for everyone, and you not having cards is a new rule.

Discard can be red, because red can do anything. We’ll just give it some kind of drawback.

Finally, discard can be green, because green wants everyone to play with creatures on the table, not stupid cards in your hand where they don’t belong. Having cards in your hand sounds like something blue would do. And green hates blue.

Searching Out Lands

Land search can be green, because green represents growth and nature, and lands are the natural areas of the game.

Land search can be white, because white represents order, the march of civilization, the work of farmers and the creation of communities.

Land search can be red, because red represents rock and stone and the power of the earth.

Land search can be black, because black seeks out ancient secrets and uses them to win. Black will do anything to win. Black also represents getting out like a dozen Swamps and winning with some huge spell that has an X in its mana cost, and in order to do that, you’re going to need a lot of land. Also, black can already search for like any card, so what the hell. Searching for just lands is less powerful. “Duh.”

Finally, land search can be blue, because blue represents tidal waves, and so searching out Islands is like the flow of a huge tidal wave. Also, blue is the color of deck manipulation. Blue is also the color of drawing cards. Blue steals lands, and searching out a land is like stealing one from your mind. Blue is also the color of having more lands than you. However many lands you have, blue should have more, because you should be able to win with a lot less land than blue. If you can’t, there’s something wrong with you. A good player could just play around it.

- Feb. 9, 2007

The staff of The Magic Lampoon has got its hands on the complete decklist for an Avacyn Restored intro pack!

Now, we don’t know what the cards do yet. Just the names! But we’ll give you more information as we find out.

In the meantime, here’s the decklist for Grave Injustice! Bold card names indicate cards from Avacyn Restored!

14 Forest
10 Island
——————————————————————————–
24 lands

1 Acidic Slime
1 Æther Adept
1 Alluring Siren
2 Ambush Viper
3 Armored Skaab
2 Boneyard Wurm
1 Brindle Boar
2 Chasm Drake
3 Dawnsnuffer Wurm
2 Deranged Assistant
1 Ghoulcreeper
2 Hollow Moontree
2 Moon Heron
1 Splinterfright
2 Woodsplinter Fright
——————————————————————————–
26 creatures

1 Dweomer Stone
1 Gnaw to the Bone
2 Haunting Howl
2 Mulch
2 Trackless Path
2 Wreath of Geists
——————————————————————————–
10 other spells

By Crovax, evincar of Rath

I’d like to ask everyone to please stand back, and do not disturb anything in the room.

Gentlemen, I believe that what we’re looking at here is … murder.

I’m going to have to ask that everyone remain here, as each of you are suspects.

Murder? Indeed. I suspected … murder … the moment I entered the room.

How have I arrived at this deduction, you might ask?

Upon entering, I noticed a detail that may have escaped the untrained eye. The cranium of the deceased appears to have been violently shattered against the floor.

I’m afraid that this means that one of you is a dangerous … murderer.

Such a heinous killing may seem to be beyond the capabilities of everyone present. And yet, each of you has a motive.

It was you, Karn, who long coveted the toy that the victim carried on his person. Others might have failed to notice the glances you frequently gave the device. But I deduced their meaning, back when I served with you on the Weatherlight.

It was you, Hanna, who often said that she had grown “tired” of the deceased’s “antics.” Why, the very last time I saw you aboard the Weatherlight, during the sounding of the dinner bell, you expressed this sentiment once more.

How could I have heard you, you might ask? I could not. Your voice was drowned out by the loud clanging of the dinner bell, as you correctly assume.

However, unbeknownst to you, I was able to read your lips — a skill I developed in my youth on many silent Urborg panther hunts.

It was you, Gerrard, who often spoke that the deceased would someday jeopardize one of your missions. You secretly wished to rid yourself of him, didn’t you? You wondered how you might do so, didn’t you? A convenient way to eliminate the deceased — ordering him into certain danger in my citadel, yes? And then you sneak ahead, away from the others, and do him in yourself? A plan that only the most cunning of leaders could devise.

It was you, Ertai, who hated the deceased most of all. He mocked you, didn’t he? Yes, you pretended to abide his constant mockery. But I was able to detect the hint of rage in your upcurled lip during the most recent episode. The left side of your face has always betrayed your deepest emotions, wizard. Oh, others would not have seen such a slight display. But my practiced eye spotted it as the same facial tick that inadvertently manifests when casting spells at your enemies.

Yes, I know what each of you are thinking. Each of you hopes to point out and accuse one of the others for this … murder.

But I will not be fooled.

No one of you could have committed this … murder … alone. Each of you has an alibi, contingent upon the testimony of one or more of the others. Hanna — you claim that you were in the hallway, with Gerrard. Ertai — you say that you joined my side months ago and that you were elsewhere in the stronghold. Karn — you say that I was keeping you in a cell.

Rubbish. A lesser man might have remained baffled at your confusing plot. However, I have correctly deduced the truth — all of you are the murderers.

Guards, seize them.

- Jan. 11, 2010

INNISTRAD — Notorious and fearsome demon Withengar announced Wednesday that he was severing his business relationship with Earth corporation Wizards of the Coast after he found that he had been placed on the back of a Magic: the Gathering card in the upcoming set Dark Ascension.

A demon of his stature should have been featured on the front of a card instead of the back, Withengar told reporters at a news conference Wednesday.

“I thought that this corporation was going to promote me, but then I find that they’ve put me on the back of a frickin’ knife,” Withengar said.

“You know who gets to be on the front of a card instead of on the back of a knife? Squee. Frickin’ Squee gets to be on the front of a card,” Withengar said.

“Shimatsu the Bloodcloaked. He has his own card,” Withengar said.

“Does anyone even know who that is?” he added.

Withengar said that he is withdrawing his permission from appearing on any Wizards of the Coast products in the future.

“I don’t care if they come out with frickin’ ‘Duel Decks: Angels vs. Knives,’ I won’t be in it,” Withengar said.

ALARA — Malfegor, the great demon dragon of Alara, announced Tuesday evening that he loves his Little Debbies snack cakes and that he would not allow anyone else in the entire plane of Alara to come near them.

“Devil Squares — Fudge Brownies — Swiss Cake Rolls — I love them all,” the monstrous being told The Magic Lampoon on Tuesday.

“Don’t anybody dare try to take these Little Debbies snack cakes,” he said.

“Don’t you do it,” he said.

Malfegor told The Magic Lampoon that he also loves Oatmeal Creme Pies and Star Crunches, even though those items are technically not snack cakes.

“They’re more classified as specialty cookies,” the demon dragon said while shoving the snacks down his throat. “Owm nowm nowm nowm.”

As the demon dragon licked his fingers, he explained that he also loves Nutty Bars.

“Oh, man, Nutty Bars! Owm nowm nowm nowm!” Malfegor said.

“Don’t you dare try to take these! These are mine!” he added.

- Jan. 26, 2010

RENTON, Wash. — Parent company Wizards of the Coast announced this week that the iconic role-playing game Dungeons & Dragons would be remade into a Fifth Edition, and that the desires of fans would figure prominently into the new edition’s design.

Mike Mearls of Wizards of the Coast said that the company recognizes that the game’s Fourth Edition did not completely capture the imagination of fans, in part due to its complexity.

“We know that the game, in Fourth Edition, became very combat-oriented, to the point where Third Edition still had a notable fan base,” Mearls said. “What we want to do is make the game more option-oriented, and in that way let the game be the game that players want it to be,” he said.

“We’ve chosen options and game systems that we at Wizards of the Coast have proven resonate with fans,” he said.

For starters, Fifth Edition will feature an exciting new magic system, Mearls said.

“Fourth Edition’s magic system pushed the players toward what we call ‘min-maxing,’ which means caring more about numbers and damage than about flavor or role-playing,” Mearls said.

“In Fifth Edition, there will be five ‘colors’ of magic, each with its own exciting and distinct flavor,” he said.

“Of course there will be white magic, and black magic, which are obvious inclusions that most people would think of right away. But as an example of the new directions in which we’re going, there will also be ‘blue magic,’ which will surprise players with how powerful it is, and with its flavor,” Mearls said.

“And two other colors,” he said.

Another thing that Wizards wants to do with the game is make the combat system as simple or as complicated as players like, Mearls said, to reflect the divide in the community between Fourth Edition and Third Edition.

“Combat will begin with a much simpler system, under which characters and monsters have a ‘power rating’ that they deal in damage to their foes,” Mearls said.

“Under this easy-to-learn system, the ‘power’ of a character or creature is compared with the ‘toughness’ of its enemy to determine what happens,” he said.

“Each combat round, characters and creatures ‘turn sideways’ as they complete their actions, a game mechanic that helps with memory, makes combat easier and is proven to be popular with fans,” he said.

Mearls said that those players who enjoy more complicated combat mechanisms needn’t worry that the Fifth Edition system will be too simple for their tastes.

“Players and dungeon masters will be able to add all sorts of options to the system if they like,” he said.

“Fantastic abilities such as ‘first strike,’ ‘regeneration’ and ‘rampage’ are options that players can drop into the game as they see fit,” Mearls said.

“Every few months, we plan on releasing more content for the game in the form of new characters, monsters and even game mechanics that players can immediately add to the game, as easily as shuffling a deck of cards,” he said.

Wizards is unclear at this time when Fifth Edition will release, Mearls said.

“Because we’re still getting input from fans, we don’t yet have a release date for Fifth Edition,” Mearls said.

“Rest assured, we’re going to have a huge ‘prerelease event’ at which players will have a chance to play with the new system before it goes on sale,” Mearls said.

RAVNICA — An informal survey here of Ravnican citizens reveals that fully 98 percent of them know all about the existence of the Dimir Guild, the colors it represents and so on.

“See that guy right over there, the one made entirely out of strips of cloth? He’s one of them,” said one passer-by on the street Monday.

“Loop-de-doop-de-doop,” said the figure as it casually sauntered by.

“Yeah, and you see that guy there? The ghost? That’s another one,” said a local woman.

The ghost refused to be interviewed and ran away.

The Dimir Guild, often called House Dimir and led by Szadek, the self-titled “Lord of Secrets,” is the guild that represents blue and black mana.

“Ohhhhhh, beware, for no one knows of our seeeeeecret ways and plans!” said Szadek in an interview, holding a cloak over his face.

“Seeeeeeeeeecret!” he added.

The leaders and important figures of other guilds said that they play along and act as though they don’t know about the Dimir Guild.

“It makes them feel really important if you say stuff really loud about how ‘There’s only nine guilds,’ and stuff like that,” said Agrus Kos of the Boros Legion.

- Jan. 16, 2006

By Dave Klaus

Special to The Magic Lampoon

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Special to The Magic Lampoon

Hi! I’m Tina Gaffney, and I’m the flavor text coordinator for Magic: the Gathering at Wizards of the Coast.

Today I’m going to talk about how to write flavor text for Phyrexia. Our upcoming set, Mirrodin Beseiged, has plenty of Phyrexian nasties for you to enjoy. Let me tell you, writing flavor text for this set wasn’t easy. I thought I’d share with you some of the tricks we use when we’re confronted with having to write flavor text for a bunch of cards.

1. Add “… in Pyrexia” to the end of a common phrase.

This is just like how you might add “… in bed” to the end of a fortune cookie. Try it for yourself!

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush … in Phyrexia.

See how easy that is? Anybody can do it.

A stitch in time saves nine … in Phyrexia.

That last one goes right on a card with a zombie on it.

Don’t forget, there are a lot of guys like you all over the world … in Phyrexia.

It’s like, there’s no way to mess it up. No matter what you do, it’s awesome!

2. Change a common phrase so that it talks about Phyrexia.

This one is also a snap!

All roads lead to Phyrexia.

Because normally, all roads lead to Rome. Get it?

Something is rotten in the state of Phyrexia.

Amazing! Because what I did is change “Denmark” to “Phyrexia.” It fits perfectly!

A thing of Phyrexia is a joy forever.

This one is trickier, because I didn’t change a country or place to “Phyrexia.” I changed a different word.

Phyrexia longa, vita brevis.

Latin means I’m tricky and clever! People don’t know Latin, so it sounds smart.

3. Take a common phrase, put Phyrexia into it but change other words to mean the opposite.

This is a really great trick because no one will realize what you did.

A Phyrexian leopard can change its spots.

Whoa! See how ingenious that sounds? Because an Earth leopard can’t change its spots. What I did is, I made it the opposite!

Cursed are the Phyrexia makers.

You might not catch the reference at first. The original was “Blessed are the peacemakers.” See how subtle that is? If you didn’t get the reference, that makes it smarter.

For nothingness, there is a season. Turn, turn, turn. Phyrexia.

Read this one several times to realize how amazingly it works.

Always look a Phyrexian horse in the mouth, right before the Phyrexian horse opens its mouth and then eats you with its mouth.

It’s scary, because no one wants to get eaten by something’s mouth.

Now I’ve got horses on the brain!

You can lead a Phyrexian horse to water, but you can’t make it not drink … your soul.

See because a real horse, you can’t make it drink. A Phyrexian horse should be the opposite.

That which we call a Phyrexian by any other name would smell as much like a disease. With germs and everything. Like, gangrene, maybe.

As I showed you above, you can’t go wrong with Shakespeare!

Hopefully, this gives you some insight into how to write flavor text for Phyrexia. Try it out for yourself!

Tina Gaffney is the flavor text coordinator for Magic: the Gathering.

- Jan. 11, 2011

RENTON, Wash. — On May 4, the dawn over Innistrad will be ignited with the release of the third set of Innistrad block, Avacyn Restored, announced Wizards of the Coast.

Like Rise of the Eldrazi, Avacyn Restored will be a large set even though it is the third set of its block, said Monty Ashley of Wizards of the Coast on Monday.

Avacyn Restored tells the story of the overwhelming power of Avacyn, protector angel, which has been safely locked away on Innistrad but is now finally unleashed, wreaking havoc and destruction on the plane’s Werewolves, Vampires and Zombies.

These creatures will have to run for their lives, or unlives, as Avacyn and her fellow Angels bring total destruction to Innistrad.

The large set, which like Rise of the Eldrazi will be drafted by itself, features terrifying colorless Angel creatures with a deadly new ability called “rapture.”

Rapture causes a defending player to have to sacrifice permanents whenever attacked by these dread figures of retribution, Ashley said.

Avacyn Restored, like Rise of the Eldrazi, will feature its own set of basic lands and will be played in the sealed deck format using six booster packs.

I’m a volunteer.

Like the countless others before me who have tried to infect worlds with a sinister plague, I don’t get paid a copper coin. But as the Father of Machines, I have been here from the beginning, and I have to tell you, I never thought that Phyrexia would get to be this big.

We are a non-profit, but we are the most terrifying plane of existence in the multiverse. Last cycle we operated with around a dozen high priests, a few hundred monitors and dangerously few broodlings and carriers. Most of the planes we would like to invade, subjugate and destroy are far larger than we are.

This cycle we are finally adding critical long-gestation plague technology and horrifying dreadnoughts that we’ve needed for many cycles. Because of the response of our potential victims, we can’t wait another cycle to take this step.

Last cycle only about one in 1,000 people who were attacked by us were able to have their brains fully harvested. To reach our goal this cycle, we need two in 1,000.

It’s a stretch. We’re the only created plane of existence in the multiverse that is primarily supported by aging and outdated labyrinthine steam pipes operated by countless slaves. This has worked for thousands of cycles, but this cycle we are struggling to reach our goal with only 8 days left in your Earth year of 2010.

Please help us keep Phyrexia unhealthy and unstable with a donation of 10, 20, or 35 human slaves or whatever you can afford.

Yawgmoth
Phyrexia Founder

- Dec. 23, 2010

Editor’s note: While “Zelda” is not normally associated with Magic: The Gathering, we feel that, as giant nerds, our hobbies overlap somewhat. We hope yours do, as well.

By Dr. Hilton J. Fallon, Ph.D.

Special to The Magic Lampoon

Sexual imagery is an important part of modern media and culture. Many modern created works contain numerous sexual symbols. Video games are included in this broad swath. The new video game, “Zelda: Skyward Sword,” comprises a veritable flood of sexual symbols and metaphors. With these symbols and metaphors, which include the character of Zelda, Link’s sword, Link’s rival, Groose, and Link’s enemy, Ghirahim, “Zelda: Skyward Sword” touches on many of the unconscious sexual urges and impulses that drive the modern male. In this way, “Zelda: Skyward Sword” is an important work in our sexual lexicon.

Zelda represents Link’s sexual desire – Throughout the game, Link is tasked with rescuing Zelda. It is clear in the game that Zelda is Link’s love interest, although he does not possess her at the outset of the game. Link must instead earn the right to possess and penetrate Zelda, who is not immediately his lover at the game’s beginning. Zelda dresses in white, which represents sexual purity. This allows Link to feel that the object of his sexual desire has not been conquered by any other, which assuages any feelings of inferiority and minimizes Link’s primitive jealousy-response. Through much of the game, Zelda is secreted away in a chamber, asleep – indeed, Zelda sleeps through much of the time that Link is questing, which assures Link that it is impossible for her to have been penetrated by anyone else, again assuaging his primitive alpha-male impulses. Link is told at one point in the game to plant a seed in the ground, a clear fertilization metaphor. Interestingly, although the direct beneficiary of the seedling is a tertiary character and not Zelda, Link is still told by many characters that Zelda will appreciate him having planted his seed. This is a clear metaphor for Link’s desire to penetrate Zelda having been deemed acceptable by his peers. The chamber in which Zelda sleeps is finally opened – but the doors do not burst open, nor do they open slowly. Instead, they first crack slightly, forming a blatant vagina symbol, indicating that Link is near to possessing Zelda and that his desire to penetrate her will be fulfilled.

Link’s sword is his erection – Although Link carries many weapons, his sword is his most important. Throughout the game, Link is rewarded for completing “dungeons” by a magical power literally making his sword longer. The metaphor for his erection could not be any clearer. Link desires to lengthen his sword and make it more powerful, so as to win Zelda. This fulfills Link’s primitive impulse that his erection be satisfying to his mate and assuages his primitive fear that it will not be i.e. of male inadequacy. The subtitle of the game is “Skyward Sword” – Link must repeatedly hold his sword skyward i.e. erect throughout the game to charge its potency. One imagines that a “downward sword” would represent powerlessness and ineffectuality. There is also some symbolism in the fact that in holding his sword skyward, Link in effect “presents” it, which represents Link’s primitive desire to display his male attributes to the world as he transitions from boy to completed, sexually realized man.

Groose represents Link’s need to be masculine – In the game, Link has a rival for Zelda’s affection, named Groose. Groose is physically the largest male in Link’s community, Skyloft. Groose’s body is triangular, indicating a muscular nature and suggestive of steroid use. Groose’s overly confrontational behavior hints at a testosterone-infused “alpha male” quality, or at least the desire to be so. In winning Zelda’s affection over Groose, Link demonstrates to the world that he is masculine. Link’s rivalry with Groose symbolizes Link’s fear of feminization at being dominated by other males, and Link’s victory indicates his conquest over that fear by refusing to be so dominated. In the end, Groose is reduced to helping Link as a secondary character, which indicates Link having defeated him for “alpha male” status. Groose must pull levers and operate machines, helping Link from the sidelines, a metaphor for Link’s primitive desire to make Groose “his bitch” and thereby prove that he, Link, is most worthy of sexual conquest in his community. This assures in Link’s reptile brain that no one else will possess Zelda.

Ghirahim symbolizes Link’s fear of his own homoeroticism – Link’s primary enemy in the game is not Groose, but rather Ghirahim, an enemy who confronts Link several times. Ghirahim is pale white, and thin, and though male is entirely androgynous. His thin and white nature suggests “the thin, white duke,” a known nickname for David Bowie, himself a popular symbol of androgyny. In a key scene, Ghirahim openly asks Link what Link thinks of Ghirahim’s “beautiful body,” an insincere question since Ghirahim has attacked Link several times. Ghirahim goes on a long speech about how attractive his own slender male body is. Ghirahim also indicates to Link that he, Ghirahim, and not Link, will capture Zelda. Ghirahim, a symbol of androgyny, is therefore a direct obstacle for Link in possessing Zelda. This represents Link’s primitive fear of his own homosexual urges. By engaging with and defeating Ghirahim, Link “conquers” i.e. accepts his own homoreroticism, and only then is free to possess Zelda honestly.

We have discussed several of the sexual symbols present in “Zelda: Skyward Sword,” but these are only a sample. Link is accompanied by Fi, a female spirit who speaks like a computer – she stands for Link’s growth into going beyond fantasizing about girls as sexually subservient machines. Link fights a monster called “The Imprisoned,” which is little more than a gaping maw – it indicates Link’s fear of the vagina as incomprehensible and alien. Impa, a female would-be protector of Zelda, like Ghirahim is rather androgynous, and is nearly a rival to Link – she symbolizes Link’s acceptance that he is sexually limited and that there are women he cannot possess. These symbols make “Zelda: Skyward Sword” a rich, sexual tapestry on which is painted the yearnings of the modern man.

Dr. Hilton J. Fallon, Ph.D. is an award-winning behavioral psychologist and author of “Mario: The Phallic Hammer.”

As you begin to celebrate the Festival of the Guildpact today, you should take a moment to think about the true meaning of this wonderful holiday.

The Festival of the Guildpact is about much more than attacking your foes with ancient terrors that you’ve brought forth from another time. It’s about more than consigning magical creatures to the oblivion of the aether from whence they came, or enlarging a rampaging beast that’s bearing down on some soldiers you’re trying to destroy.

The Festival is a celebration of family and of bringing people together. It’s about good cheer, and friendship, and a benevolent spirit.

It wasn’t originally about commercialism, materialism and raising zombified nightmares from the local graveyard.

Regardless of your particular belief system — regardless of whether you worship the guildpact, or have some other faith — the Festival is about compassion, and giving.

Sometimes, in the rush to give one another presents, we go through the motions of giving without feeling the spirit of giving. Sometimes, in the hurry to scorch and blister the flesh of our enemies with magical spells of searing fire during this holiday season, we forget that it’s supposed to be about the promotion of goodwill.

Today, as you gather together with friends and family, or if you’re planning on tearing forth and rending asunder the souls of some of your foes with necromantic wizardry, stop — take the time to embrace and to feel the true spirit of the Festival of the Guildpact.

For the children.

- Dec. 25, 2006