The Following Abilities Are Now Optional In Sanctioned Tournaments

Editor’s Note: The following was added this week to the Magic: the Gathering Infraction Procedure Guide, the official guide that “provides judges the appropriate penalties and procedures to handle offenses that occur during the course of a Competitive or Professional tournament, as well as the underlying philosophy that guides their implementation.”
OPTIONAL ABILITIES
Traditionally, some abilities include [...]

Kids Will Love Wacky Magic Eyeball Pen!

What to do for Christmas. Not the same old video games again!
Moms! Dads! Kids will love Wacky Magic Eyeball Pen™.
Wacky Magic Eyeball Pen™ lets your kids make rainbow pictures that glow in the dark! It’s the perfect Christmas gift.
Wacky Magic Eyeball Pen™ comes in red, crimson, scarlet and bright red.
Kids! It’s easy. Simply take Wacky [...]

Dark Ascension Preview

It must be Christmas, because we have a special Dark Ascension preview for you!
Dark Ascension is the next set in Innistrad block. In Innistrad, we introduced double-faced Magic cards. These are Magic cards that have a card face on both sides! Different conditions caused these cards to flip over during play, turning the creature on [...]

You Cannot Love More Than I Can Hate

By a spurred wolverine
Hate … isn’t some random disruption in the natural order.
Hate is the natural order.
If love is your muse — if love is the motive power that moves your world, that guides you, that inspires you to do great things — then hate is my muse. I am inspired by hate. I am [...]

Ancient (Mono) Artifact Fetches 2000000 Space-Tix At Auction

Wrgl Tarkon-Fuentes, Newgarfieldtownshire, November 80th, 80085 VD
The FindMagicCards.com Building was abuzz yesterday regarding the incredible price fetched by the extremely rare nondigital card “The Black Lotus.”  The Sons of Buehler Clan auctioned their legendary “The Black Lotus” to the Lapmasters of Long Clan for an unprecedented 2000000 space-tix. This huge space-tix transfer will allow The [...]

Our Card Price Predictions

By Larry Phillips
Magic Lampoon Card Store shift manager
Good evening! As you know, since we’ve opened our Magic Lampoon Card Store, our site not only entertains you with our hilarious jokes and gimmicks, but also brings Magic cards to you at competitive prices.
I’m here to tell you our forecasts for what’s going to happen to [...]

The -2/-2 Counters Are Caused By The Rabbit

By The Ebon Praetor
I am well-versed in the ways of Wickedness.
Wickedness, and Evil.
Malefaction is my station; practiced I am in the arts of inflicting suffering and torment. I am thoroughly malevolent; and unburdened by mercy.
However, there is one thing that I would like to make clear:
The -2/-2 counters are caused by the rabbit.
While I concede [...]

Packers To Receive Three Byes For This Year’s Playoffs

NEW YORK — The National Football League announced Tuesday that the Green Bay Packers will receive three byes when the team makes the playoffs this year, due to the Packers having reached “Level Four” of the “NFL Players Club” with the team’s 10-0 record.
NFL spokeswoman Tina Gaffney said that three byes are the Packers’ reward [...]

I Sure Would Enjoy These Bottle Gnomes™ A Lot More If They Would Stop Screaming

By a friendly consumer
Man, there’s nothing more refreshing when you need to have your thirst quenched than a delicious Bottle Gnome™!
But I sure would enjoy these Bottle Gnomes™ a lot more if they would stop screaming.
When you’re hot and thirsty, reach for a refreshing Bottle Gnome™ in one of four awesome flavors! Hydroblast Blue™; Code [...]

Mo’ Money, Part I

By Mark Rosewater
Welcome to Money Week! Finally, I get to write the column that I’ve been hinting at for months. How exactly did we come up with the idea to create the new “money” card type? I’m glad you asked.
It all began when Richard Garfield came up with the original design for Magic. At its core, [...]

Wizards Announces Worlds Is Now Three Guys Eating This Giant Sandwich

RENTON, Wash. — Magic: the Gathering parent company Wizards of the Coast announced Saturday that instead of being a huge tournament with hundreds of Magic players, the 2012 World Championship would now be three guys eating a giant sandwich.
The “monster” sandwich would be “piled high” with various meats, cheeses and extra items, said Wizards of [...]

Magic AI Concludes Only Way To Win Is Not To Play

RENTON, Wash. — The new Wizards of the Coast artificial intelligence WOPR shocked its operators Tuesday when it announced it had concluded that the only way to win at Magic: The Gathering was not to play.
“A strange game,” WOPR (Wizards Original Pwning Resource) told its handlers Tuesday evening in an amusing 1980s computer voice. “Because [...]

Jeepers

“Jeepers, Dack! Who do you think stole all of that Jell-O?” said Frank.
“Um,” said Dack as his eyes darted back and forth, wiping off his mouth with his handkerchief.
“Maybe it was old man Witherspoon!” said Joe. “He’s always lurking around, looking all creepy and stuff!”
“Yeah, Joe!” said Frank. “Maybe he put all that Jell-O into [...]

Michael Jackson Attempts To Escape Cemetery

GLENDALE, Calif. — Terror struck residents and visitors to Forest Lawn when pop icon Michael Jackson attempted to escape this famous cemetery here Sunday morning.
Jackson, deceased since June, burst out of his grave, snapped his fingers and began shuffling and dancing his way toward the cemetery exit Sunday as terrified onlookers ran in all directions.
Police [...]

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