The FindMagicCards.com Building was abuzz yesterday regarding the incredible price fetched by the extremely rare nondigital card “The Black Lotus.”  The Sons of Buehler Clan auctioned their legendary “The Black Lotus” to the Lapmasters of Long Clan for an unprecedented 2000000 space-tix. This huge space-tix transfer will allow The Sons to replace their aging armory of brain lasers and invest in new Magic Online accounts.

Space-Colonel Jack Ng had this to say in an online space-interview, “Without these new brain lasers we would not  be able to feed our space-families. The new brain lasers will be used to kill the Nubs we rely on to make space-burgers and nutrient-juice.” Space-Colonel Ng added, “The Magic Online accounts are necessary for communications between our space-colonies, and to test our MUC decks. Ng Out LOL”

According to space-scientists, the “The Black Lotus” gained notoriety due to the fact it is made from paper, a by-product of a long-extinct beast, known as “Trees.” Shrouded in myth and conjecture, “The Black Lotus” and its abilities were recently revealed.

Magic Online Historian Dr. Gekky Weaselbutt recently published in his latest thesis, “The rediscovery of the Lotus as a card was a bit of a disappointment for space-people born after The Great Power Creep of the 215th Century when Maro’s Brain-in-a-jar slew Gleemax. If a player  really needs to add mana to their pool to combat Nubs they could use the much quicker Grak’s Managoonz or the common Space Lands. What is of note is the Lotus is an artifact without a subtype צ, unknown since 31337 VD.”

The winner of the auction, Lapmasters of Long, is a very wealthy Magic Online Clan. Much of their fortune has  been gained selling “Winning Space-Secrets©” to the alien race known as Nubs. What the Lapmasters plan on doing with “The Black Lotus” is anyone’s guess. Lapmaster’s chairman, a virus known as Mike.EXE, put out this press release:

“MAGIC SECRETS REVEALED! Internal Space Server Error: Please send the file 80085_80_176_NOV.rtfm to space-support@space-wotc.com. EXE Out LOL.”

Tarkon-Fuentes Out LOL

Related Articles:

Is our space-food safe?: brain lasers and you

Mike.EXE virus spreads with help from Nubs

Maro’s Brain-in-a-jar gives itself raise, promotes “to stay competitive”

צ SRC:12004th Edition Comprehensive Rules

- Dec. 26, 2005

By Ajani Goldmane

Yeah? Oh yeah? And then what happened? Oh wow! That’s insane! No way! And then what’d he do? You’re kidding! With the g– oh, wait, hold on a second. I think somebody just spent four mana for me somewhere. I’m sorry, I have to get out of here. I need to go help out this douche.

Yes, I know we’re in the middle of a conversation. And I know I haven’t seen you in two months. It’s just that this guy just spent four mana on me, and I have to go help him now. Yes, I know how that sounds. No, I don’t think it’s silly. You don’t understand. I’m loyal to him now.

No, I don’t know who he is. No, I’ve never met him before. No, he doesn’t live in the same plane as us.

Of course I remember what happened to me on my last interdimensional trip! I don’t want to talk about it, okay? He’s waiting for me!

Well maybe four mana isn’t a lot to you, but it is a lot to me. There are some things I’ve been wanting to cast lately, and I think four mana would help out a lot. I don’t know, lots of things! None-of-your-business things, that’s what kind of things!

When’s the last time you spent four mana on me?

No. No. No! Listen, I have to go, alright?

No, you can’t buy me another drink!

Ajani Goldmane is a Magic Lampoon correspondent.

- Dec. 3, 2007