Wizards Realizes That Any Color Can Be Justified As Doing Anything

RENTON, Wash. — Wizards of the Coast announced Friday that it has realized that any color of Magic can be justified as being able to do anything.
“Direct damage, for example, can be red because of fire or lightning,” said Matt Cavotta, writing for Wizards of the Coast. “Direct damage can also be black, representing vampiric [...]

Gentlemen, I Believe That What We’re Looking At Here Is … Murder

By Crovax, evincar of Rath
I’d like to ask everyone to please stand back, and do not disturb anything in the room.
Gentlemen, I believe that what we’re looking at here is … murder.
I’m going to have to ask that everyone remain here, as each of you are suspects.
Murder? Indeed. I suspected … murder … the moment [...]

Malfegor Announces He Loves These Little Debbies Snack Cakes

ALARA — Malfegor, the great demon dragon of Alara, announced Tuesday evening that he loves his Little Debbies snack cakes and that he would not allow anyone else in the entire plane of Alara to come near them.
“Devil Squares — Fudge Brownies — Swiss Cake Rolls — I love them all,” the monstrous being told [...]

Survey Of Ravnicans Reveals Fully 98 Percent Know All About Dimir Guild

RAVNICA — An informal survey here of Ravnican citizens reveals that fully 98 percent of them know all about the existence of the Dimir Guild, the colors it represents and so on.
“See that guy right over there, the one made entirely out of strips of cloth? He’s one of them,” said one passer-by on the [...]

How To Write Flavor Text For Phyrexia

By Tina Gaffney
Special to The Magic Lampoon
Hi! I’m Tina Gaffney, and I’m the flavor text coordinator for Magic: the Gathering at Wizards of the Coast.
Today I’m going to talk about how to write flavor text for Phyrexia. Our upcoming set, Mirrodin Beseiged, has plenty of Phyrexian nasties for you to enjoy. Let me tell you, [...]

A Personal Appeal From Phyrexia Founder Yawgmoth

I’m a volunteer.
Like the countless others before me who have tried to infect worlds with a sinister plague, I don’t get paid a copper coin. But as the Father of Machines, I have been here from the beginning, and I have to tell you, I never thought that Phyrexia would get to be this big.
We [...]

People Have Forgotten The True Spirit Of The Festival Of The Guildpact

As you begin to celebrate the Festival of the Guildpact today, you should take a moment to think about the true meaning of this wonderful holiday.
The Festival of the Guildpact is about much more than attacking your foes with ancient terrors that you’ve brought forth from another time. It’s about more than consigning magical creatures [...]

Kids Will Love Wacky Magic Eyeball Pen!

What to do for Christmas. Not the same old video games again!
Moms! Dads! Kids will love Wacky Magic Eyeball Pen™.
Wacky Magic Eyeball Pen™ lets your kids make rainbow pictures that glow in the dark! It’s the perfect Christmas gift.
Wacky Magic Eyeball Pen™ comes in red, crimson, scarlet and bright red.
Kids! It’s easy. Simply take Wacky [...]

You Cannot Love More Than I Can Hate

By a spurred wolverine
Hate … isn’t some random disruption in the natural order.
Hate is the natural order.
If love is your muse — if love is the motive power that moves your world, that guides you, that inspires you to do great things — then hate is my muse. I am inspired by hate. I am [...]

Ancient (Mono) Artifact Fetches 2000000 Space-Tix At Auction

Wrgl Tarkon-Fuentes, Newgarfieldtownshire, November 80th, 80085 VD
The FindMagicCards.com Building was abuzz yesterday regarding the incredible price fetched by the extremely rare nondigital card “The Black Lotus.”  The Sons of Buehler Clan auctioned their legendary “The Black Lotus” to the Lapmasters of Long Clan for an unprecedented 2000000 space-tix. This huge space-tix transfer will allow The [...]

The -2/-2 Counters Are Caused By The Rabbit

By The Ebon Praetor
I am well-versed in the ways of Wickedness.
Wickedness, and Evil.
Malefaction is my station; practiced I am in the arts of inflicting suffering and torment. I am thoroughly malevolent; and unburdened by mercy.
However, there is one thing that I would like to make clear:
The -2/-2 counters are caused by the rabbit.
While I concede [...]

I Sure Would Enjoy These Bottle Gnomes™ A Lot More If They Would Stop Screaming

By a friendly consumer
Man, there’s nothing more refreshing when you need to have your thirst quenched than a delicious Bottle Gnome™!
But I sure would enjoy these Bottle Gnomes™ a lot more if they would stop screaming.
When you’re hot and thirsty, reach for a refreshing Bottle Gnome™ in one of four awesome flavors! Hydroblast Blue™; Code [...]

Mo’ Money, Part I

By Mark Rosewater
Welcome to Money Week! Finally, I get to write the column that I’ve been hinting at for months. How exactly did we come up with the idea to create the new “money” card type? I’m glad you asked.
It all began when Richard Garfield came up with the original design for Magic. At its core, [...]

Magic AI Concludes Only Way To Win Is Not To Play

RENTON, Wash. — The new Wizards of the Coast artificial intelligence WOPR shocked its operators Tuesday when it announced it had concluded that the only way to win at Magic: The Gathering was not to play.
“A strange game,” WOPR (Wizards Original Pwning Resource) told its handlers Tuesday evening in an amusing 1980s computer voice. “Because [...]

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