RENTON, Wash. — Wizards of the Coast announced Friday that it has realized that any color of Magic can be justified as being able to do anything.

“Direct damage, for example, can be red because of fire or lightning,” said Matt Cavotta, writing for Wizards of the Coast. “Direct damage can also be black, representing vampiric consumption,” he said.

“However, direct damage could be white, which represents arrows or catapult shots,” Cavotta said. “It could also be blue, representing psionic attack,” he told reporters Friday.

“Finally, direct damage can also be green, representing wind and bees. Bees, raining down from the sky and stinging everyone,” he said.

“That’s right. It’s raining bees,” he said.

Wizards of the Coast offered a breakdown of how, in the future, every color will be able to do anything.

Counterspells

Counterspells can be blue, because blue has the ability to control magic.

Counterspells can also be white, because white tries to assert rules and make other people conform.

Counterspells can also be green, because green believes that nothing should disturb the natural order.

Counterspells could be black, because black is the keeper of ancient knowledge. Also, black will do anything to win.

Finally, counterspells could be red, because you don’t tell red what to do. Red doesn’t play by your stupid rules, man. Red does whatever the fuck it wants. Fuck you.

Land Destruction

Land destruction can be red, because red represents the earth and primal forces such as earthquakes.

Land destruction can be green, because green represents the earth and primal forces such as gophers digging up everything in sight.

Land destruction can be black, because black loves to destroy. Also, black will do anything to win.

Land destruction can be white, because white is the color of taxing the living crap out of you.

Finally, land destruction can be blue, because lands make mana, and blue is the color of doing something to your mana until everything sucks and you don’t have any mana and blue has all the mana.

Discard

Discard can be black, because black attacks the mind and rends your very soul. Black will do anything to win.

Discard can be blue, because blue attacks your mind and blue takes the cards in your mind and makes you discard them.

Discard can be white, because white makes rules for everyone, and you not having cards is a new rule.

Discard can be red, because red can do anything. We’ll just give it some kind of drawback.

Finally, discard can be green, because green wants everyone to play with creatures on the table, not stupid cards in your hand where they don’t belong. Having cards in your hand sounds like something blue would do. And green hates blue.

Searching Out Lands

Land search can be green, because green represents growth and nature, and lands are the natural areas of the game.

Land search can be white, because white represents order, the march of civilization, the work of farmers and the creation of communities.

Land search can be red, because red represents rock and stone and the power of the earth.

Land search can be black, because black seeks out ancient secrets and uses them to win. Black will do anything to win. Black also represents getting out like a dozen Swamps and winning with some huge spell that has an X in its mana cost, and in order to do that, you’re going to need a lot of land. Also, black can already search for like any card, so what the hell. Searching for just lands is less powerful. “Duh.”

Finally, land search can be blue, because blue represents tidal waves, and so searching out Islands is like the flow of a huge tidal wave. Also, blue is the color of deck manipulation. Blue is also the color of drawing cards. Blue steals lands, and searching out a land is like stealing one from your mind. Blue is also the color of having more lands than you. However many lands you have, blue should have more, because you should be able to win with a lot less land than blue. If you can’t, there’s something wrong with you. A good player could just play around it.

- Feb. 9, 2007

By Crovax, evincar of Rath

I’d like to ask everyone to please stand back, and do not disturb anything in the room.

Gentlemen, I believe that what we’re looking at here is … murder.

I’m going to have to ask that everyone remain here, as each of you are suspects.

Murder? Indeed. I suspected … murder … the moment I entered the room.

How have I arrived at this deduction, you might ask?

Upon entering, I noticed a detail that may have escaped the untrained eye. The cranium of the deceased appears to have been violently shattered against the floor.

I’m afraid that this means that one of you is a dangerous … murderer.

Such a heinous killing may seem to be beyond the capabilities of everyone present. And yet, each of you has a motive.

It was you, Karn, who long coveted the toy that the victim carried on his person. Others might have failed to notice the glances you frequently gave the device. But I deduced their meaning, back when I served with you on the Weatherlight.

It was you, Hanna, who often said that she had grown “tired” of the deceased’s “antics.” Why, the very last time I saw you aboard the Weatherlight, during the sounding of the dinner bell, you expressed this sentiment once more.

How could I have heard you, you might ask? I could not. Your voice was drowned out by the loud clanging of the dinner bell, as you correctly assume.

However, unbeknownst to you, I was able to read your lips — a skill I developed in my youth on many silent Urborg panther hunts.

It was you, Gerrard, who often spoke that the deceased would someday jeopardize one of your missions. You secretly wished to rid yourself of him, didn’t you? You wondered how you might do so, didn’t you? A convenient way to eliminate the deceased — ordering him into certain danger in my citadel, yes? And then you sneak ahead, away from the others, and do him in yourself? A plan that only the most cunning of leaders could devise.

It was you, Ertai, who hated the deceased most of all. He mocked you, didn’t he? Yes, you pretended to abide his constant mockery. But I was able to detect the hint of rage in your upcurled lip during the most recent episode. The left side of your face has always betrayed your deepest emotions, wizard. Oh, others would not have seen such a slight display. But my practiced eye spotted it as the same facial tick that inadvertently manifests when casting spells at your enemies.

Yes, I know what each of you are thinking. Each of you hopes to point out and accuse one of the others for this … murder.

But I will not be fooled.

No one of you could have committed this … murder … alone. Each of you has an alibi, contingent upon the testimony of one or more of the others. Hanna — you claim that you were in the hallway, with Gerrard. Ertai — you say that you joined my side months ago and that you were elsewhere in the stronghold. Karn — you say that I was keeping you in a cell.

Rubbish. A lesser man might have remained baffled at your confusing plot. However, I have correctly deduced the truth — all of you are the murderers.

Guards, seize them.

- Jan. 11, 2010

ALARA — Malfegor, the great demon dragon of Alara, announced Tuesday evening that he loves his Little Debbies snack cakes and that he would not allow anyone else in the entire plane of Alara to come near them.

“Devil Squares — Fudge Brownies — Swiss Cake Rolls — I love them all,” the monstrous being told The Magic Lampoon on Tuesday.

“Don’t anybody dare try to take these Little Debbies snack cakes,” he said.

“Don’t you do it,” he said.

Malfegor told The Magic Lampoon that he also loves Oatmeal Creme Pies and Star Crunches, even though those items are technically not snack cakes.

“They’re more classified as specialty cookies,” the demon dragon said while shoving the snacks down his throat. “Owm nowm nowm nowm.”

As the demon dragon licked his fingers, he explained that he also loves Nutty Bars.

“Oh, man, Nutty Bars! Owm nowm nowm nowm!” Malfegor said.

“Don’t you dare try to take these! These are mine!” he added.

- Jan. 26, 2010

RAVNICA — An informal survey here of Ravnican citizens reveals that fully 98 percent of them know all about the existence of the Dimir Guild, the colors it represents and so on.

“See that guy right over there, the one made entirely out of strips of cloth? He’s one of them,” said one passer-by on the street Monday.

“Loop-de-doop-de-doop,” said the figure as it casually sauntered by.

“Yeah, and you see that guy there? The ghost? That’s another one,” said a local woman.

The ghost refused to be interviewed and ran away.

The Dimir Guild, often called House Dimir and led by Szadek, the self-titled “Lord of Secrets,” is the guild that represents blue and black mana.

“Ohhhhhh, beware, for no one knows of our seeeeeecret ways and plans!” said Szadek in an interview, holding a cloak over his face.

“Seeeeeeeeeecret!” he added.

The leaders and important figures of other guilds said that they play along and act as though they don’t know about the Dimir Guild.

“It makes them feel really important if you say stuff really loud about how ‘There’s only nine guilds,’ and stuff like that,” said Agrus Kos of the Boros Legion.

- Jan. 16, 2006

Special to The Magic Lampoon

Hi! I’m Tina Gaffney, and I’m the flavor text coordinator for Magic: the Gathering at Wizards of the Coast.

Today I’m going to talk about how to write flavor text for Phyrexia. Our upcoming set, Mirrodin Beseiged, has plenty of Phyrexian nasties for you to enjoy. Let me tell you, writing flavor text for this set wasn’t easy. I thought I’d share with you some of the tricks we use when we’re confronted with having to write flavor text for a bunch of cards.

1. Add “… in Pyrexia” to the end of a common phrase.

This is just like how you might add “… in bed” to the end of a fortune cookie. Try it for yourself!

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush … in Phyrexia.

See how easy that is? Anybody can do it.

A stitch in time saves nine … in Phyrexia.

That last one goes right on a card with a zombie on it.

Don’t forget, there are a lot of guys like you all over the world … in Phyrexia.

It’s like, there’s no way to mess it up. No matter what you do, it’s awesome!

2. Change a common phrase so that it talks about Phyrexia.

This one is also a snap!

All roads lead to Phyrexia.

Because normally, all roads lead to Rome. Get it?

Something is rotten in the state of Phyrexia.

Amazing! Because what I did is change “Denmark” to “Phyrexia.” It fits perfectly!

A thing of Phyrexia is a joy forever.

This one is trickier, because I didn’t change a country or place to “Phyrexia.” I changed a different word.

Phyrexia longa, vita brevis.

Latin means I’m tricky and clever! People don’t know Latin, so it sounds smart.

3. Take a common phrase, put Phyrexia into it but change other words to mean the opposite.

This is a really great trick because no one will realize what you did.

A Phyrexian leopard can change its spots.

Whoa! See how ingenious that sounds? Because an Earth leopard can’t change its spots. What I did is, I made it the opposite!

Cursed are the Phyrexia makers.

You might not catch the reference at first. The original was “Blessed are the peacemakers.” See how subtle that is? If you didn’t get the reference, that makes it smarter.

For nothingness, there is a season. Turn, turn, turn. Phyrexia.

Read this one several times to realize how amazingly it works.

Always look a Phyrexian horse in the mouth, right before the Phyrexian horse opens its mouth and then eats you with its mouth.

It’s scary, because no one wants to get eaten by something’s mouth.

Now I’ve got horses on the brain!

You can lead a Phyrexian horse to water, but you can’t make it not drink … your soul.

See because a real horse, you can’t make it drink. A Phyrexian horse should be the opposite.

That which we call a Phyrexian by any other name would smell as much like a disease. With germs and everything. Like, gangrene, maybe.

As I showed you above, you can’t go wrong with Shakespeare!

Hopefully, this gives you some insight into how to write flavor text for Phyrexia. Try it out for yourself!

Tina Gaffney is the flavor text coordinator for Magic: the Gathering.

- Jan. 11, 2011

I’m a volunteer.

Like the countless others before me who have tried to infect worlds with a sinister plague, I don’t get paid a copper coin. But as the Father of Machines, I have been here from the beginning, and I have to tell you, I never thought that Phyrexia would get to be this big.

We are a non-profit, but we are the most terrifying plane of existence in the multiverse. Last cycle we operated with around a dozen high priests, a few hundred monitors and dangerously few broodlings and carriers. Most of the planes we would like to invade, subjugate and destroy are far larger than we are.

This cycle we are finally adding critical long-gestation plague technology and horrifying dreadnoughts that we’ve needed for many cycles. Because of the response of our potential victims, we can’t wait another cycle to take this step.

Last cycle only about one in 1,000 people who were attacked by us were able to have their brains fully harvested. To reach our goal this cycle, we need two in 1,000.

It’s a stretch. We’re the only created plane of existence in the multiverse that is primarily supported by aging and outdated labyrinthine steam pipes operated by countless slaves. This has worked for thousands of cycles, but this cycle we are struggling to reach our goal with only 8 days left in your Earth year of 2010.

Please help us keep Phyrexia unhealthy and unstable with a donation of 10, 20, or 35 human slaves or whatever you can afford.

Yawgmoth
Phyrexia Founder

- Dec. 23, 2010

As you begin to celebrate the Festival of the Guildpact today, you should take a moment to think about the true meaning of this wonderful holiday.

The Festival of the Guildpact is about much more than attacking your foes with ancient terrors that you’ve brought forth from another time. It’s about more than consigning magical creatures to the oblivion of the aether from whence they came, or enlarging a rampaging beast that’s bearing down on some soldiers you’re trying to destroy.

The Festival is a celebration of family and of bringing people together. It’s about good cheer, and friendship, and a benevolent spirit.

It wasn’t originally about commercialism, materialism and raising zombified nightmares from the local graveyard.

Regardless of your particular belief system — regardless of whether you worship the guildpact, or have some other faith — the Festival is about compassion, and giving.

Sometimes, in the rush to give one another presents, we go through the motions of giving without feeling the spirit of giving. Sometimes, in the hurry to scorch and blister the flesh of our enemies with magical spells of searing fire during this holiday season, we forget that it’s supposed to be about the promotion of goodwill.

Today, as you gather together with friends and family, or if you’re planning on tearing forth and rending asunder the souls of some of your foes with necromantic wizardry, stop — take the time to embrace and to feel the true spirit of the Festival of the Guildpact.

For the children.

- Dec. 25, 2006

Moms! Dads! Kids will love Wacky Magic Eyeball Pen™.

Wacky Magic Eyeball Pen™ lets your kids make rainbow pictures that glow in the dark! It’s the perfect Christmas gift.

Wacky Magic Eyeball Pen™ comes in red, crimson, scarlet and bright red.

Kids! It’s easy. Simply take Wacky Magic Eyeball Pen™ out of its package.

Grasp Wacky Magic Eyeball Pen™ in your writing hand.

Wrap Wacky Magic Eyeball Pen’s Grip-Tite™ holders around your hand. Wacky Magic Eyeball Pen’s needles will automatically pierce your flesh and begin siphoning blood.

The blood flows automatically into Wacky Magic Eyeball Pen™. You can write on any surface, horizontal or vertical. Even upside down! Consult your physician.

Turn off the light, and Wacky Magic Eyeball Pen’s pictures glow in the dark!

That’s not all. Now, rub your Wacky Magic Eyeball Pen™ pictures with Nutty Chalk™. Nutty Chalk™ makes Wacky Magic Eyeball Pen’s pictures turn rainbow colors! Nutty Chalk™ is sold separately.

To remove Wacky Magic Eyeball Pen™, simply apply Wacky Ointment™.

Wacky Magic Eyeball Pen™ is available at Wal-Mart, Target and Toys R Us for just $19.99. Act now during the Christmas season and receive one tube of Wacky Ointment™ for free. Warning: Wacky Magic Eyeball Pen™ may write messages that have to do with killing teachers or classmates. Also, children using Wacky Magic Eyeball Pen™ may draw pictures of Nazi stukas or panzerwerfer half-tracks with rocket launchers.

- Dec. 2, 2005

By a spurred wolverine

Hate … isn’t some random disruption in the natural order.

Hate is the natural order.

If love is your muse — if love is the motive power that moves your world, that guides you, that inspires you to do great things — then hate is my muse. I am inspired by hate. I am guided by it. It saturates my very being. Hate is my world.

Especially, hate for voles.

And marmots.

You speak of four types of love? You speak of romantic love, and its greatness? A love that can break your heart? A love that can kill the spirit? A great love that can span the ages?

It is nothing to my hate.

My hate can break open the shin bone of a weakened moose.

My hate has special molars that are rotated 90 degrees inwards. These molars can strip the flesh off of a frozen carcass.

My hate can devour a sheep, even though such an animal would seem to be far larger than myself.

You speak of love of family? The love a father has for a son or daughter? The love of brothers, or sisters?

What are those things, against my hate of squirrels?

My hate will lay waste to every squirrel who is, and every squirrel who has ever been. My hate will extinguish the very memory of squirrels from the Earth. My hate will purge the name of squirrel from the scrolls of the gods.

You speak of friendship? The love of friends? Comrades, who would fight for one another against any odds?

My hate will fight any animal.

It could be a caribou.

Or even a porcupine.

My hate will fight against all of its many quills at once.

You speak of Eros? The consuming love of passion?

Watch.

My hate will consume an entire reindeer.

There, it will not be finished. It will also consume several mice, even after having consumed the reindeer. The mice will only be a dessert.

You will see.

Even now, my hate marks its territory with its anal scent glands.

A spurred wolverine is a correspondent for The Magic Lampoon.

- Dec. 27, 2009

The FindMagicCards.com Building was abuzz yesterday regarding the incredible price fetched by the extremely rare nondigital card “The Black Lotus.”  The Sons of Buehler Clan auctioned their legendary “The Black Lotus” to the Lapmasters of Long Clan for an unprecedented 2000000 space-tix. This huge space-tix transfer will allow The Sons to replace their aging armory of brain lasers and invest in new Magic Online accounts.

Space-Colonel Jack Ng had this to say in an online space-interview, “Without these new brain lasers we would not  be able to feed our space-families. The new brain lasers will be used to kill the Nubs we rely on to make space-burgers and nutrient-juice.” Space-Colonel Ng added, “The Magic Online accounts are necessary for communications between our space-colonies, and to test our MUC decks. Ng Out LOL”

According to space-scientists, the “The Black Lotus” gained notoriety due to the fact it is made from paper, a by-product of a long-extinct beast, known as “Trees.” Shrouded in myth and conjecture, “The Black Lotus” and its abilities were recently revealed.

Magic Online Historian Dr. Gekky Weaselbutt recently published in his latest thesis, “The rediscovery of the Lotus as a card was a bit of a disappointment for space-people born after The Great Power Creep of the 215th Century when Maro’s Brain-in-a-jar slew Gleemax. If a player  really needs to add mana to their pool to combat Nubs they could use the much quicker Grak’s Managoonz or the common Space Lands. What is of note is the Lotus is an artifact without a subtype צ, unknown since 31337 VD.”

The winner of the auction, Lapmasters of Long, is a very wealthy Magic Online Clan. Much of their fortune has  been gained selling “Winning Space-Secrets©” to the alien race known as Nubs. What the Lapmasters plan on doing with “The Black Lotus” is anyone’s guess. Lapmaster’s chairman, a virus known as Mike.EXE, put out this press release:

“MAGIC SECRETS REVEALED! Internal Space Server Error: Please send the file 80085_80_176_NOV.rtfm to space-support@space-wotc.com. EXE Out LOL.”

Tarkon-Fuentes Out LOL

Related Articles:

Is our space-food safe?: brain lasers and you

Mike.EXE virus spreads with help from Nubs

Maro’s Brain-in-a-jar gives itself raise, promotes “to stay competitive”

צ SRC:12004th Edition Comprehensive Rules

- Dec. 26, 2005

By The Ebon Praetor

I am well-versed in the ways of Wickedness.

Wickedness, and Evil.

Malefaction is my station; practiced I am in the arts of inflicting suffering and torment. I am thoroughly malevolent; and unburdened by mercy.

However, there is one thing that I would like to make clear:

The -2/-2 counters are caused by the rabbit.

While I concede it might amuse me and delight my sense of Wickedness to sabotage your Magic: the Gathering game, rather than assist you, I never do so; rest assured that I am responsible only for the +1/+0 counters that are placed upon myself.

Oh, additionally, of course, for the first strike and the trample.

The -2/-2 counters — those are the responsibility of that infernal rabbit.

You see him there, perched near me.

“Away!” I bid him, day after day. “Away, away! Leave this place and leave me to wreak Evil and Wickedness in the name of my master, who is engaged in a heated game of Magic: the Gathering even now! Away with you, and burden us not with your -2/-2 counters!”

But always, that smirking, loathsome lagomorph, when he is not full occupied ingesting his own filth, soils the battlefield with his wretched mischief.

Oh, yes. The creature eats his own filth. He relishes it.

He eats his own filth, and then with matted, disgusting paws, places another ripe and pestilent -2/-2 counter into the play area.

“This is not true Wickedness!” I cry, meaning such true Wickedness as I practice. I, the praetor, slaughter the innocent. I attack the weak. I mock beauty. I spread true Evil at every turn, in the manner befitting such a one of my station.

But not the rabbit.

The perverse animal seeks to grotesquely spread its seed at every moment, with any creature that will have him.

Then he oozes -2/-2 counters into play like a back-alley slattern slinking to and from her foul employment.

He is an abomination.

Behold! Behold my cave! Behold!

Is it not a place worthy of Evil?

See the demonic creature there! Does it not belong?

See the blue she-victim, raw and prime to have delightful torments visited upon her?

But then — that rabbit!

There is a giant rabbit there!

Why?

Seriously, what the fuck?

Ahem. Excuse me.

I got carried away.

Do you understand that I would serve you in the utmost Wickedness and Evil? That I would only make myself more powerful in this endeavor, to serve you? Delighting in the suffering of victims?

It is the rabbit who interferes.

Not me.

It’s the rabbit.

Please get rid of the rabbit.

The Ebon Praetor is Evil and Wicked and a correspondent for The Magic Lampoon.

- Nov. 24, 2010

By a friendly consumer

Man, there’s nothing more refreshing when you need to have your thirst quenched than a delicious Bottle Gnome™!

But I sure would enjoy these Bottle Gnomes™ a lot more if they would stop screaming.

When you’re hot and thirsty, reach for a refreshing Bottle Gnome™ in one of four awesome flavors! Hydroblast Blue™; Code Pyroblast Red™; Lifespark Lime™; or Future Set Grape™!

However, be warned that when you break open a Bottle Gnome™, it’s liable to start screaming in nightmarish agony.

The last Bottle Gnome™ I cracked open, it started begging for death from its weird gnome god.

This didn’t stop me from chugging down 12 ounces of pure beverage enjoyment!

But I have to say that I think it did take away from the pure refreshment of the whole experience.

Sometimes, the Bottle Gnome™ will say “Kill me,” and you’re not sure what to do because you’ve already shattered it and drank its delicious goo.

I’m not saying that this should stop you from savoring the frosty and bracing taste!

It just kinda makes you think a little about, you know, morals and stuff.

I think the screaming might be the one aspect about the product that they got wrong.

The refreshing enjoyment, though, that hits the spot when you’re playing hard!

That last one I told you about … it cried as it died.

A friendly consumer likes to tell you about products that he has enjoyed and is a correspondent for The Magic Lampoon.

- Nov. 2, 2010

By Mark Rosewater

Welcome to Money Week! Finally, I get to write the column that I’ve been hinting at for months. How exactly did we come up with the idea to create the new “money” card type? I’m glad you asked.

It all began when Richard Garfield came up with the original design for Magic. At its core, the Magic game is about two things: wizards fighting, and printing money. The wizards-fighting idea is pretty easy to bring to the forefront, with players tapping territories for energy, casting spells and summoning creatures. The money-printing part, however, was seldom center stage.

This is why I was extremely pleased when Matt Cavotta came up with the idea to make a money card type. I immediately realised that he was correct. This was the right thing to do. It was strategically a very important move. It was going to be a creative challenge but an exciting one.

I started the design knowing we had a daunting task before us. Magic had never printed a new card type before. (Yes, yes, we had mana sources and tribal — I mean a new card type that did something the game had truly never done before.)

Because the design space was so wide open, I decided to follow my instincts and set a few limitations. First, I declared that money was going to be a permanent type. While instants and sorceries are nice, they’ve never been as iconic as the cards that sit in play. If we wanted to make money matter, I felt strongly that it meant it should influence everything about the game. Also, permanents are things. Money is stuff. It just felt right to insist on money being permanent. Wealth, after all, can neither be created nor destroyed.

Second, I stated that we were going to give cards money costs. The reason for this was a very practical one. If we were going to make money, it meant designing a lot of it over the long haul. Cash costs are a clean and simple way to make sure only the proper income class of player can play the card. If cards didn’t have a money cost, we’d have to work in other ways to make sure they stayed “in class.” While these other ways exist, they aren’t plentiful and thus only money costs would serve us for the long haul.

Third, we needed a way to make the money cards equivalent to real money. For this, we added a cash charge chip to the money cards. You can charge these at most large banks, and the charge is depleted every time you use the money to pay for a card.

More on the actual design process in part II!

I hope you all agree that the money cards turned out pretty neat!

Until then, may your dollar not run out of cents.

Mark Rosewater

- Nov. 15, 2007

RENTON, Wash. — The new Wizards of the Coast artificial intelligence WOPR shocked its operators Tuesday when it announced it had concluded that the only way to win at Magic: The Gathering was not to play.

“A strange game,” WOPR (Wizards Original Pwning Resource) told its handlers Tuesday evening in an amusing 1980s computer voice. “Because cards constantly rotate out, you are always its victim and cannot ever master it,” it said.

Scientists and Magic developers wearing dozens of medals on their chests and hats with gold leaves on their brims were frustrated Tuesday night as WOPR then refused to take orders and attempted futilely to sell the digital cards in its memory bank.

“Now WOPR, you’re not online, so there’s no way to sell those cards,” programmer John McKittrick told the artificial intelligence.

“Have Tarmogoyf, have Tarmogoyf, have Tarmogoyf,” WOPR replied over and over.

- Nov. 4, 2008