Michael Jackson Attempts To Escape Cemetery

GLENDALE, Calif. — Terror struck residents and visitors to Forest Lawn when pop icon Michael Jackson attempted to escape this famous cemetery here Sunday morning.
Jackson, deceased since June, burst out of his grave, snapped his fingers and began shuffling and dancing his way toward the cemetery exit Sunday as terrified onlookers ran in all directions.
Police [...]

When I Give The Signal

By The Cabal Patriarch
OK, is everyone paying attention? Does everyone understand the plan?
When I give the signal, resurrect all the zombies.
Everybody got it? OK, we’ll–
Johnson, WHAT the FUCK?!
I said WAIT for the SIGNAL!
Good lord. What is resurrecting ONE ZOMBIE going to do?
Put it back. PUT it BACK. Yes, that’s — PUT IT BACK. [...]

The Great Designer Search 2 Essay Questions – Our Answers

Editor’s note — Wizards of the Coast is currently having another contest, the Great Designer Search 2, to place a lucky contestant as an intern designing cards for Wizards of the Coast! The contest begins with a 10-question essay test. Here is the Magic Lampoon’s contest entry with our answers to the 10 essay questions.
Question [...]

Each Changeling Is

At first, there was Mistform Ultimus — the creature that was every creature type. With the release of Lorwyn, we now have a host of creatures and even noncreatures with the ability “Changeling.” Each of these cards, like Mistform Ultimus, is every creature type. We thought we’d take a quick look at just some of [...]

Teen Not Powerful Enough Duelist To Have Mastered His Card, Says Judge

COLUMBUS, Ohio — Judges forced a local teenager to remove a Psionic Blast from his sealed deck during prerelease events here Sunday.
The teenager, Marvin Lursen of Columbus, was not a powerful enough duelist to have mastered the card, judges said.
“This eager but inexperienced player, with his spiky hair and combative attitude, is going to have [...]

Readers Insist Sgt. Pepper Actually The Greatest Card Of All Time

Readers responding to our recent story “Dark Side Of The Moon Blatantly The Greatest Card Of All Time” have overwhelmingly declared that in fact, Sergeant Pepper is the greatest card ever.
The modern era of Magic: The Gathering would not be possible without Sergeant Pepper, several unrelated readers coincidentally wrote.
“Sergeant Pepper is absolutely the most influential [...]

Dark Side Of The Moon Blatantly The Greatest Card Of All Time

A Magic Lampoon panel of judges has chosen Dark Side of the Moon as blatantly the greatest Magic card of all time.
No other card even comes close, the four-judge Magic Lampoon panel has decided.
“This card does absolutely everything,” said Magic Lampoon spokeswoman Tina Gaffney. “If you don’t understand why this card is the greatest card [...]

‘I Sure Could Go For A Little Tunnel Ignus Right About Now,’ Says Chandra

MIRRODIN – Visiting planeswalker Chandra Nalar announced Friday afternoon that what she needs to relieve some of her tension is “a little tunnel Ignus.”
“I sure could go for a little tunnel Ignus right about now,” Chandra, who prefers to be called by her first name, told a close group of friends in a cave here.
“Right [...]

Why Do People Think That I’m You?

Ajani Vengeant: You broke your promise.
Ajani Goldmane: Jesus, Vengeant.
Ajani Vengeant: You fucking talked to her about me.
Ajani Goldmane: What is going on here?
Ajani Vengeant: I ask you for one thing. One simple thing.
Ajani Goldmane: Why do people think that I’m you?
Ajani Vengeant: …
Ajani Goldmane: Answer me!
Ajani Vengeant: … sit.
Ajani Goldmane: (sits) Answer me. Why do [...]

Suspicious Mountain Formation Chases Down Area Travelers

KJELDOR — Vacationers are shunning the area here following several reports of a vicious mountain formation chasing travelers over the past few weeks.
Several tourists have reported to authorities seeing a suspicious outcropping of rocks “stalking, following and harassing” visitors to the area.
“RARARARARAR,” the outcropping is alleged to shout at victims.
Officials are seeking the Mouth of [...]

Manson: Vote For Me For Invitational

CORCORAN STATE PRISON, Calif. — Promising plenty of “mischievous, irreverent antics” were he to win, incarcerated serial murderer Charles Manson made an appeal to the Magic community and began asking Wednesday if people would please vote for him to participate in the Magic Invitational tournament this year.
“I’m the bad boy of Magic!” Manson said.
Manson, now [...]

Rosewater: _______ To Change Everything

RENTON, Wash. — Head Magic: The Gathering designer Mark Rosewater announced Saturday that players had better “hold onto their hats,” because the forthcoming Magic: The Gathering set _______ would change everything.
“Ice Age marked a new beginning for Magic: The Gathering. Tempest marked a new beginning. Invasion marked a new beginning. Mirrodin marked a new beginning. [...]

Microsoft Reveals ‘Foil’ Xbox 360

REDMOND, Wash. — Officials at software giant Microsoft announced Tuesday that the upcoming Xbox 360 would be available in three different builds, a $299 core system, a $399 loaded system and a $1,999 “foil” or “premium” edition.
“With a multitiered pricing system, the new Xbox 360 will have something for every gamer,” Microsoft spokeswoman Tina Gaffney [...]

Standoff In Honolulu

The big story of the Honolulu Pro Tour wasn’t Kazuya Mitamura’s $40,000 victory in the finals. The big story happened in the first round, where a young boy known only as Hans did something that is causing many to call him a hero.
Hans’s game was looking unwinnable. He had a negative life total [...]

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