Card Of The Week – Ersatz Gnomes

Posted on January 26, 2012
Filed Under Card of the Week | 5 Comments

This week’s card is Ersatz Gnomes. The ersatz gnomes turn things colorless with the colored beams that they fire from their mouths and hands and chests and eyes. Also, there are five of them, and together they are a 1/1.

Demon Severs Relationship With Wizards, Cites Placement ‘On Back Of Card’

Posted on January 25, 2012
Filed Under Articles, Staff | 5 Comments

INNISTRAD — Notorious and fearsome demon Withengar announced Wednesday that he was severing his business relationship with Earth corporation Wizards of the Coast after he found that he had been placed on the back of a Magic: the Gathering card in the upcoming set Dark Ascension.

A demon of his stature should have been featured on the front of a card instead of the back, Withengar told reporters at a news conference Wednesday.

“I thought that this corporation was going to promote me, but then I find that they’ve put me on the back of a frickin’ knife,” Withengar said.

“You know who gets to be on the front of a card instead of on the back of a knife? Squee. Frickin’ Squee gets to be on the front of a card,” Withengar said.

“Shimatsu the Bloodcloaked. He has his own card,” Withengar said.

“Does anyone even know who that is?” he added.

Withengar said that he is withdrawing his permission from appearing on any Wizards of the Coast products in the future.

“I don’t care if they come out with frickin’ ‘Duel Decks: Angels vs. Knives,’ I won’t be in it,” Withengar said.

Sid’s Cards

Posted on January 24, 2012
Filed Under Sid | 12 Comments

Hi! What do you think of this card?

Sid’s cards is a feature where Sid asks you what you think of a card.

Photochop – Italian Sea Captain

Posted on January 23, 2012
Filed Under Photochops, Staff | 9 Comments

Malfegor Announces He Loves These Little Debbies Snack Cakes

Posted on January 22, 2012
Filed Under Articles, Flashbacks, Staff | 12 Comments

ALARA — Malfegor, the great demon dragon of Alara, announced Tuesday evening that he loves his Little Debbies snack cakes and that he would not allow anyone else in the entire plane of Alara to come near them.

“Devil Squares — Fudge Brownies — Swiss Cake Rolls — I love them all,” the monstrous being told The Magic Lampoon on Tuesday.

“Don’t anybody dare try to take these Little Debbies snack cakes,” he said.

“Don’t you do it,” he said.

Malfegor told The Magic Lampoon that he also loves Oatmeal Creme Pies and Star Crunches, even though those items are technically not snack cakes.

“They’re more classified as specialty cookies,” the demon dragon said while shoving the snacks down his throat. “Owm nowm nowm nowm.”

As the demon dragon licked his fingers, he explained that he also loves Nutty Bars.

“Oh, man, Nutty Bars! Owm nowm nowm nowm!” Malfegor said.

“Don’t you dare try to take these! These are mine!” he added.

- Jan. 26, 2010

Photochop – Stromkirk Captain

Posted on January 21, 2012
Filed Under Photochops, Staff | 3 Comments

Card Of The Week – Rayne, Academy Chancellor

Posted on January 20, 2012
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This week’s card is Rayne, Academy Chancellor. Her hair is like the alien’s head.

Wizards Announces Fifth Edition Dungeons And Dragons

Posted on January 18, 2012
Filed Under Articles, Staff | 6 Comments

RENTON, Wash. — Parent company Wizards of the Coast announced this week that the iconic role-playing game Dungeons & Dragons would be remade into a Fifth Edition, and that the desires of fans would figure prominently into the new edition’s design.

Mike Mearls of Wizards of the Coast said that the company recognizes that the game’s Fourth Edition did not completely capture the imagination of fans, in part due to its complexity.

“We know that the game, in Fourth Edition, became very combat-oriented, to the point where Third Edition still had a notable fan base,” Mearls said. “What we want to do is make the game more option-oriented, and in that way let the game be the game that players want it to be,” he said.

“We’ve chosen options and game systems that we at Wizards of the Coast have proven resonate with fans,” he said.

For starters, Fifth Edition will feature an exciting new magic system, Mearls said.

“Fourth Edition’s magic system pushed the players toward what we call ‘min-maxing,’ which means caring more about numbers and damage than about flavor or role-playing,” Mearls said.

“In Fifth Edition, there will be five ‘colors’ of magic, each with its own exciting and distinct flavor,” he said.

“Of course there will be white magic, and black magic, which are obvious inclusions that most people would think of right away. But as an example of the new directions in which we’re going, there will also be ‘blue magic,’ which will surprise players with how powerful it is, and with its flavor,” Mearls said.

“And two other colors,” he said.

Another thing that Wizards wants to do with the game is make the combat system as simple or as complicated as players like, Mearls said, to reflect the divide in the community between Fourth Edition and Third Edition.

“Combat will begin with a much simpler system, under which characters and monsters have a ‘power rating’ that they deal in damage to their foes,” Mearls said.

“Under this easy-to-learn system, the ‘power’ of a character or creature is compared with the ‘toughness’ of its enemy to determine what happens,” he said.

“Each combat round, characters and creatures ‘turn sideways’ as they complete their actions, a game mechanic that helps with memory, makes combat easier and is proven to be popular with fans,” he said.

Mearls said that those players who enjoy more complicated combat mechanisms needn’t worry that the Fifth Edition system will be too simple for their tastes.

“Players and dungeon masters will be able to add all sorts of options to the system if they like,” he said.

“Fantastic abilities such as ‘first strike,’ ‘regeneration’ and ‘rampage’ are options that players can drop into the game as they see fit,” Mearls said.

“Every few months, we plan on releasing more content for the game in the form of new characters, monsters and even game mechanics that players can immediately add to the game, as easily as shuffling a deck of cards,” he said.

Wizards is unclear at this time when Fifth Edition will release, Mearls said.

“Because we’re still getting input from fans, we don’t yet have a release date for Fifth Edition,” Mearls said.

“Rest assured, we’re going to have a huge ‘prerelease event’ at which players will have a chance to play with the new system before it goes on sale,” Mearls said.

Photochop – Strip Mine

Posted on January 17, 2012
Filed Under Photochops, Staff | 6 Comments

Survey Of Ravnicans Reveals Fully 98 Percent Know All About Dimir Guild

Posted on January 12, 2012
Filed Under Articles, Flashbacks, Staff | 9 Comments

RAVNICA — An informal survey here of Ravnican citizens reveals that fully 98 percent of them know all about the existence of the Dimir Guild, the colors it represents and so on.

“See that guy right over there, the one made entirely out of strips of cloth? He’s one of them,” said one passer-by on the street Monday.

“Loop-de-doop-de-doop,” said the figure as it casually sauntered by.

“Yeah, and you see that guy there? The ghost? That’s another one,” said a local woman.

The ghost refused to be interviewed and ran away.

The Dimir Guild, often called House Dimir and led by Szadek, the self-titled “Lord of Secrets,” is the guild that represents blue and black mana.

“Ohhhhhh, beware, for no one knows of our seeeeeecret ways and plans!” said Szadek in an interview, holding a cloak over his face.

“Seeeeeeeeeecret!” he added.

The leaders and important figures of other guilds said that they play along and act as though they don’t know about the Dimir Guild.

“It makes them feel really important if you say stuff really loud about how ‘There’s only nine guilds,’ and stuff like that,” said Agrus Kos of the Boros Legion.

- Jan. 16, 2006

Photochop – Asteroid

Posted on January 11, 2012
Filed Under Photochops, Staff | 3 Comments

Card Of The Week – Elvish Ranger

Posted on January 11, 2012
Filed Under Card of the Week | 4 Comments

This week’s card is Elvish Ranger. People have said that this card has sexy art, but we just don’t see it.

Guess How Many Eyeballs Are In This Jar Of Eyeballs And Win A Free Fully Loaded 2011 Galvanic Juggernaut

Posted on January 10, 2012
Filed Under Articles, Staff | 8 Comments

By Dave Klaus

Special to The Magic Lampoon

Hi! I’m Dave Klaus of Klaus Juggernaut, and we still have 2011 Juggernauts in stock!

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