How To Write Flavor Text For Phyrexia
Posted on January 8, 2012
Filed Under Articles, Flashbacks, Staff | 24 Comments
By Tina Gaffney
Special to The Magic Lampoon
Hi! I’m Tina Gaffney, and I’m the flavor text coordinator for Magic: the Gathering at Wizards of the Coast.
Today I’m going to talk about how to write flavor text for Phyrexia. Our upcoming set, Mirrodin Beseiged, has plenty of Phyrexian nasties for you to enjoy. Let me tell you, writing flavor text for this set wasn’t easy. I thought I’d share with you some of the tricks we use when we’re confronted with having to write flavor text for a bunch of cards.
1. Add “… in Pyrexia” to the end of a common phrase.
This is just like how you might add “… in bed” to the end of a fortune cookie. Try it for yourself!
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush … in Phyrexia.
See how easy that is? Anybody can do it.
A stitch in time saves nine … in Phyrexia.
That last one goes right on a card with a zombie on it.
Don’t forget, there are a lot of guys like you all over the world … in Phyrexia.
It’s like, there’s no way to mess it up. No matter what you do, it’s awesome!
2. Change a common phrase so that it talks about Phyrexia.
This one is also a snap!
All roads lead to Phyrexia.
Because normally, all roads lead to Rome. Get it?
Something is rotten in the state of Phyrexia.
Amazing! Because what I did is change “Denmark” to “Phyrexia.” It fits perfectly!
A thing of Phyrexia is a joy forever.
This one is trickier, because I didn’t change a country or place to “Phyrexia.” I changed a different word.
Phyrexia longa, vita brevis.
Latin means I’m tricky and clever! People don’t know Latin, so it sounds smart.
3. Take a common phrase, put Phyrexia into it but change other words to mean the opposite.
This is a really great trick because no one will realize what you did.
A Phyrexian leopard can change its spots.
Whoa! See how ingenious that sounds? Because an Earth leopard can’t change its spots. What I did is, I made it the opposite!
Cursed are the Phyrexia makers.
You might not catch the reference at first. The original was “Blessed are the peacemakers.” See how subtle that is? If you didn’t get the reference, that makes it smarter.
For nothingness, there is a season. Turn, turn, turn. Phyrexia.
Read this one several times to realize how amazingly it works.
Always look a Phyrexian horse in the mouth, right before the Phyrexian horse opens its mouth and then eats you with its mouth.
It’s scary, because no one wants to get eaten by something’s mouth.
Now I’ve got horses on the brain!
You can lead a Phyrexian horse to water, but you can’t make it not drink … your soul.
See because a real horse, you can’t make it drink. A Phyrexian horse should be the opposite.
That which we call a Phyrexian by any other name would smell as much like a disease. With germs and everything. Like, gangrene, maybe.
As I showed you above, you can’t go wrong with Shakespeare!
Hopefully, this gives you some insight into how to write flavor text for Phyrexia. Try it out for yourself!
Tina Gaffney is the flavor text coordinator for Magic: the Gathering.
- Jan. 11, 2011
Photochop – Invincible Knight
Posted on January 8, 2012
Filed Under Photochops, Staff | 10 Comments
Card Of The Week – Angelic Page
Posted on January 4, 2012
Filed Under Card of the Week | 3 Comments
This week’s card is Angelic Page. Originally, Angelic Page was just a Spirit. So it wasn’t an Angel. It was just angelic.
Wizards Is Proud To Announce: Avacyn Restored
Posted on January 2, 2012
Filed Under Articles, Photochops, Staff | 8 Comments
RENTON, Wash. — On May 4, the dawn over Innistrad will be ignited with the release of the third set of Innistrad block, Avacyn Restored, announced Wizards of the Coast.
Like Rise of the Eldrazi, Avacyn Restored will be a large set even though it is the third set of its block, said Monty Ashley of Wizards of the Coast on Monday.
Avacyn Restored tells the story of the overwhelming power of Avacyn, protector angel, which has been safely locked away on Innistrad but is now finally unleashed, wreaking havoc and destruction on the plane’s Werewolves, Vampires and Zombies.
These creatures will have to run for their lives, or unlives, as Avacyn and her fellow Angels bring total destruction to Innistrad.
The large set, which like Rise of the Eldrazi will be drafted by itself, features terrifying colorless Angel creatures with a deadly new ability called “rapture.”
Rapture causes a defending player to have to sacrifice permanents whenever attacked by these dread figures of retribution, Ashley said.
Avacyn Restored, like Rise of the Eldrazi, will feature its own set of basic lands and will be played in the sealed deck format using six booster packs.
Photochop – Dark Passenger
Posted on December 31, 2011
Filed Under Photochops, Staff | 3 Comments
A Personal Appeal From Phyrexia Founder Yawgmoth
Posted on December 31, 2011
Filed Under Articles, Flashbacks, Photochops, Staff | 14 Comments
I’m a volunteer.
Like the countless others before me who have tried to infect worlds with a sinister plague, I don’t get paid a copper coin. But as the Father of Machines, I have been here from the beginning, and I have to tell you, I never thought that Phyrexia would get to be this big.
We are a non-profit, but we are the most terrifying plane of existence in the multiverse. Last cycle we operated with around a dozen high priests, a few hundred monitors and dangerously few broodlings and carriers. Most of the planes we would like to invade, subjugate and destroy are far larger than we are.
This cycle we are finally adding critical long-gestation plague technology and horrifying dreadnoughts that we’ve needed for many cycles. Because of the response of our potential victims, we can’t wait another cycle to take this step.
Last cycle only about one in 1,000 people who were attacked by us were able to have their brains fully harvested. To reach our goal this cycle, we need two in 1,000.
It’s a stretch. We’re the only created plane of existence in the multiverse that is primarily supported by aging and outdated labyrinthine steam pipes operated by countless slaves. This has worked for thousands of cycles, but this cycle we are struggling to reach our goal with only 8 days left in your Earth year of 2010.
Please help us keep Phyrexia unhealthy and unstable with a donation of 10, 20, or 35 human slaves or whatever you can afford.
Yawgmoth
Phyrexia Founder
- Dec. 23, 2010
Photochop – Frogatog
Posted on December 31, 2011
Filed Under Photochops, Staff | 1 Comment
Card Of The Week – Elvish Ranger
Posted on December 29, 2011
Filed Under Card of the Week | 3 Comments
This week’s card is Elvish Ranger. Magic players have often commented for years how sexy the art is on this card.
Sexual Symbolism In ‘Zelda: Skyward Sword’
Posted on December 28, 2011
Filed Under Articles, Staff | 4 Comments
Editor’s note: While “Zelda” is not normally associated with Magic: The Gathering, we feel that, as giant nerds, our hobbies overlap somewhat. We hope yours do, as well.
By Dr. Hilton J. Fallon, Ph.D.
Special to The Magic Lampoon
Sexual imagery is an important part of modern media and culture. Many modern created works contain numerous sexual symbols. Video games are included in this broad swath. The new video game, “Zelda: Skyward Sword,” comprises a veritable flood of sexual symbols and metaphors. With these symbols and metaphors, which include the character of Zelda, Link’s sword, Link’s rival, Groose, and Link’s enemy, Ghirahim, “Zelda: Skyward Sword” touches on many of the unconscious sexual urges and impulses that drive the modern male. In this way, “Zelda: Skyward Sword” is an important work in our sexual lexicon.
Zelda represents Link’s sexual desire – Throughout the game, Link is tasked with rescuing Zelda. It is clear in the game that Zelda is Link’s love interest, although he does not possess her at the outset of the game. Link must instead earn the right to possess and penetrate Zelda, who is not immediately his lover at the game’s beginning. Zelda dresses in white, which represents sexual purity. This allows Link to feel that the object of his sexual desire has not been conquered by any other, which assuages any feelings of inferiority and minimizes Link’s primitive jealousy-response. Through much of the game, Zelda is secreted away in a chamber, asleep – indeed, Zelda sleeps through much of the time that Link is questing, which assures Link that it is impossible for her to have been penetrated by anyone else, again assuaging his primitive alpha-male impulses. Link is told at one point in the game to plant a seed in the ground, a clear fertilization metaphor. Interestingly, although the direct beneficiary of the seedling is a tertiary character and not Zelda, Link is still told by many characters that Zelda will appreciate him having planted his seed. This is a clear metaphor for Link’s desire to penetrate Zelda having been deemed acceptable by his peers. The chamber in which Zelda sleeps is finally opened – but the doors do not burst open, nor do they open slowly. Instead, they first crack slightly, forming a blatant vagina symbol, indicating that Link is near to possessing Zelda and that his desire to penetrate her will be fulfilled.
Link’s sword is his erection – Although Link carries many weapons, his sword is his most important. Throughout the game, Link is rewarded for completing “dungeons” by a magical power literally making his sword longer. The metaphor for his erection could not be any clearer. Link desires to lengthen his sword and make it more powerful, so as to win Zelda. This fulfills Link’s primitive impulse that his erection be satisfying to his mate and assuages his primitive fear that it will not be i.e. of male inadequacy. The subtitle of the game is “Skyward Sword” – Link must repeatedly hold his sword skyward i.e. erect throughout the game to charge its potency. One imagines that a “downward sword” would represent powerlessness and ineffectuality. There is also some symbolism in the fact that in holding his sword skyward, Link in effect “presents” it, which represents Link’s primitive desire to display his male attributes to the world as he transitions from boy to completed, sexually realized man.
Groose represents Link’s need to be masculine – In the game, Link has a rival for Zelda’s affection, named Groose. Groose is physically the largest male in Link’s community, Skyloft. Groose’s body is triangular, indicating a muscular nature and suggestive of steroid use. Groose’s overly confrontational behavior hints at a testosterone-infused “alpha male” quality, or at least the desire to be so. In winning Zelda’s affection over Groose, Link demonstrates to the world that he is masculine. Link’s rivalry with Groose symbolizes Link’s fear of feminization at being dominated by other males, and Link’s victory indicates his conquest over that fear by refusing to be so dominated. In the end, Groose is reduced to helping Link as a secondary character, which indicates Link having defeated him for “alpha male” status. Groose must pull levers and operate machines, helping Link from the sidelines, a metaphor for Link’s primitive desire to make Groose “his bitch” and thereby prove that he, Link, is most worthy of sexual conquest in his community. This assures in Link’s reptile brain that no one else will possess Zelda.
Ghirahim symbolizes Link’s fear of his own homoeroticism – Link’s primary enemy in the game is not Groose, but rather Ghirahim, an enemy who confronts Link several times. Ghirahim is pale white, and thin, and though male is entirely androgynous. His thin and white nature suggests “the thin, white duke,” a known nickname for David Bowie, himself a popular symbol of androgyny. In a key scene, Ghirahim openly asks Link what Link thinks of Ghirahim’s “beautiful body,” an insincere question since Ghirahim has attacked Link several times. Ghirahim goes on a long speech about how attractive his own slender male body is. Ghirahim also indicates to Link that he, Ghirahim, and not Link, will capture Zelda. Ghirahim, a symbol of androgyny, is therefore a direct obstacle for Link in possessing Zelda. This represents Link’s primitive fear of his own homosexual urges. By engaging with and defeating Ghirahim, Link “conquers” i.e. accepts his own homoreroticism, and only then is free to possess Zelda honestly.
We have discussed several of the sexual symbols present in “Zelda: Skyward Sword,” but these are only a sample. Link is accompanied by Fi, a female spirit who speaks like a computer – she stands for Link’s growth into going beyond fantasizing about girls as sexually subservient machines. Link fights a monster called “The Imprisoned,” which is little more than a gaping maw – it indicates Link’s fear of the vagina as incomprehensible and alien. Impa, a female would-be protector of Zelda, like Ghirahim is rather androgynous, and is nearly a rival to Link – she symbolizes Link’s acceptance that he is sexually limited and that there are women he cannot possess. These symbols make “Zelda: Skyward Sword” a rich, sexual tapestry on which is painted the yearnings of the modern man.
Dr. Hilton J. Fallon, Ph.D. is an award-winning behavioral psychologist and author of “Mario: The Phallic Hammer.”
Photochop – Glove
Posted on December 27, 2011
Filed Under Photochops, Staff | 3 Comments
People Have Forgotten The True Spirit Of The Festival Of The Guildpact
Posted on December 25, 2011
Filed Under Articles, Flashbacks, Staff | 2 Comments
As you begin to celebrate the Festival of the Guildpact today, you should take a moment to think about the true meaning of this wonderful holiday.
The Festival of the Guildpact is about much more than attacking your foes with ancient terrors that you’ve brought forth from another time. It’s about more than consigning magical creatures to the oblivion of the aether from whence they came, or enlarging a rampaging beast that’s bearing down on some soldiers you’re trying to destroy.
The Festival is a celebration of family and of bringing people together. It’s about good cheer, and friendship, and a benevolent spirit.
It wasn’t originally about commercialism, materialism and raising zombified nightmares from the local graveyard.
Regardless of your particular belief system — regardless of whether you worship the guildpact, or have some other faith — the Festival is about compassion, and giving.
Sometimes, in the rush to give one another presents, we go through the motions of giving without feeling the spirit of giving. Sometimes, in the hurry to scorch and blister the flesh of our enemies with magical spells of searing fire during this holiday season, we forget that it’s supposed to be about the promotion of goodwill.
Today, as you gather together with friends and family, or if you’re planning on tearing forth and rending asunder the souls of some of your foes with necromantic wizardry, stop — take the time to embrace and to feel the true spirit of the Festival of the Guildpact.
For the children.
- Dec. 25, 2006
Utensils
Posted on December 24, 2011
Filed Under Photochops, Staff | 12 Comments
Make sure they’re arranged correctly on the table.
Card Of The Week – Sarkhan The Mad
Posted on December 22, 2011
Filed Under Card of the Week | 8 Comments
This week’s card is Sarkhan the Mad. He has no “plus loyalty” ability. He’s just not a very good friend.
The Following Abilities Are Now Optional In Sanctioned Tournaments
Posted on December 20, 2011
Filed Under Articles, Staff | 5 Comments
Editor’s Note: The following was added this week to the Magic: the Gathering Infraction Procedure Guide, the official guide that “provides judges the appropriate penalties and procedures to handle offenses that occur during the course of a Competitive or Professional tournament, as well as the underlying philosophy that guides their implementation.”
OPTIONAL ABILITIES
Traditionally, some abilities include the word ‘may’ as part of their text, indicating that their effect is optional. At Competitive and Professional REL, some additional triggered abilities and enters-the-battlefield replacement effects are considered optional. The player is not required to follow the instruction when the ability resolves, and if the ability is forgotten it will not retroactively be applied. An optional ability does one or more of the following things, and nothing else:
• Gains you life off of your opponent’s Grove of the Burnwillows. (Punishing Fire will be re-unbanned in Modern later this week.)
• Gains you life when you have Transcendence out.
• Draws cards off of your opponent’s Memory Jar or Magus of the Jar. This includes drawing cards.
• Puts Phage into play from your graveyard.
• Gives you control of your opponent’s Bronze Bombshell.
• Gives you control of your opponent’s Illusions of Grandeur.
• Puts +x/+x counters on your Necroplasm.
• Gives your Phyrexian Devourer +x/+x.
• Damages your opponent’s Stuffy Doll.
Abilities that trigger at the same point in each players turn and do something to “that player” (e.g. Howling Mine) are never optional.
This list is comprehensive. An ability that does not fit all of the criteria above is not optional, even if it is to the benefit of the player controlling the ability. Similarly, an optional ability is always optional, even if it would be to the detriment of the player for it to happen.
-
Submissions
-
Search
-
Admin
